No Middle Ground

Fare Thee Well

2012-01-08T23:26:00.004+08:00

As the new year sets in, I bid this love affair that saw the light of day in 2009 adieu. As journeys end, so this one must too. It has been an exhilarating ride. I have bared my soul, wore my heart on my sleeve, shared my joys and sorrows, and now it's time to move on, walk new paths, discover new sights.

A friend once told me that my writings are so self-absorbed. That is about to change with the new blogs that I will be putting up. No more posts about me and my private life. My private life will now remain, well, private. It's a tough thing to do since it's one of my ways of coping with the stress of my daily life, but I believe that it is necessary for my growth as a professional writer. From now on, if you want to know about my innermost thoughts, you just have to steal my diary :)

I leave one of my favorite songs, whose lyrics is quite apt for the ending of this site and the creation of new ones, as a token for all the emotions I've poured on this site. Enjoy~

Wishful Thinking... Or Not

2011-12-19T18:16:00.004+08:00

Since I'll probably only achieve my dream of owning a convertible sports car several years from now, I'll scale my dream down to something closer to reality-- A forest green Toyota Hilux G ( 4 x 4 A/T 3.0 Dsl) which costs Php 1,433,000.00.

This photo is taken from the Toyota site with their color selector.

Now a question tickles my brain... What do I have to do to get this baby?

Hmn...

A Bow to Literature

2011-12-17T22:51:00.003+08:00

"Dead Stars"

by Paz Marquez Benitez

THROUGH the open window the air-steeped outdoors passed into his room, quietly enveloping him, stealing into his very thought. Esperanza, Julia, the sorry mess he had made of life, the years to come even now beginning to weigh down, to crush--they lost concreteness, diffused into formless melancholy. The tranquil murmur of conversation issued from the brick-tiled azotea where Don Julian and Carmen were busy puttering away among the rose pots.

"Papa, and when will the 'long table' be set?"

"I don't know yet. Alfredo is not very specific, but I understand Esperanza wants it to be next month."

Carmen sighed impatiently. "Why is he not a bit more decided, I wonder. He is over thirty, is he not? And still a bachelor! Esperanza must be tired waiting."

"She does not seem to be in much of a hurry either," Don Julian nasally commented, while his rose scissors busily snipped away.

"How can a woman be in a hurry when the man does not hurry her?" Carmen returned, pinching off a worm with a careful, somewhat absent air. "Papa, do you remember how much in love he was?"

"In love? With whom?"

"With Esperanza, of course. He has not had another love affair that I know of," she said with good-natured contempt. "What I mean is that at the beginning he was enthusiastic--flowers, serenades, notes, and things like that--"

Alfredo remembered that period with a wonder not unmixed with shame. That was less than four years ago. He could not understand those months of a great hunger that was not of the body nor yet of the mind, a craving that had seized on him one quiet night when the moon was abroad and under the dappled shadow of the trees in the plaza, man wooed maid. Was he being cheated by life? Love--he seemed to have missed it. Or was the love that others told about a mere fabrication of perfervid imagination, an exaggeration of the commonplace, a glorification of insipid monotonies such as made up his love life? Was love a combination of circumstances, or sheer native capacity of soul? In those days love was, for him, still the eternal puzzle; for love, as he knew it, was a stranger to love as he divined it might be.

Sitting quietly in his room now, he could almost revive the restlessness of those days, the feeling of tumultuous haste, such as he knew so well in his boyhood when something beautiful was going on somewhere and he was trying to get there in time to see. "Hurry, hurry, or you will miss it," someone had seemed to urge in his ears. So he had avidly seized on the shadow of Love and deluded himself for a long while in the way of humanity from time immemorial. In the meantime, he became very much engaged to Esperanza.

Why would men so mismanage their lives? Greed, he thought, was what ruined so many. Greed--the desire to crowd into a moment all the enjoyment it will hold, to squeeze from the hour all the emotion it will yield. Men commit themselves when but half-meaning to do so, sacrificing possible future fullness of ecstasy to the craving for immediate excitement. Greed--mortgaging the future--forcing the hand of Time, or of Fate.

"What do you think happened?" asked Carmen, pursuing her thought.

"I supposed long-engaged people are like that; warm now, cool tomorrow. I think they are oftener cool than warm. The very fact that an engagement has been allowed to prolong itself argues a certain placidity of temperament--or of affection--on the part of either, or both." Don Julian loved to philosophize. He was talking now with an evident relish in words, his resonant, very nasal voice toned down to monologue pitch. "That phase you were speaking of is natural enough for a beginning. Besides, that, as I see it, was Alfredo's last race with escaping youth--"

Carmen laughed aloud at the thought of her brother's perfect physical repose--almost indolence--disturbed in the role suggested by her father's figurative language.

"A last spurt of hot blood," finished the old man.

Few certainly would credit Alfredo Salazar with hot blood. Even his friends had amusedly diagnosed his blood as cool and thin, citing incontrovertible evidence. Tall and slender, he moved with an indolent ease that verged on grace. Under straight recalcitrant hair, a thin face with a satisfying breadth of forehead, slow, dreamer's eyes, and astonishing freshness of lips--indeed Alfredo Salazar's appearance betokened little of exuberant masculinity; rather a poet with wayward humor, a fastidious artist with keen, clear brain.

He rose and quietly went out of the house. He lingered a moment on the stone steps; then went down the path shaded by immature acacias, through the little tarred gate which he left swinging back and forth, now opening, now closing, on the gravel road bordered along the farther side by madre cacao hedge in tardy lavender bloom.

The gravel road narrowed as it slanted up to the house on the hill, whose wide, open porches he could glimpse through the heat-shrivelled tamarinds in the Martinez yard.

Six weeks ago that house meant nothing to him save that it was the Martinez house, rented and occupied by Judge del Valle and his family. Six weeks ago Julia Salas meant nothing to him; he did not even know her name; but now--

One evening he had gone "neighboring" with Don Julian; a rare enough occurrence, since he made it a point to avoid all appearance of currying favor with the Judge. This particular evening however, he had allowed himself to be persuaded. "A little mental relaxation now and then is beneficial," the old man had said. "Besides, a judge's good will, you know;" the rest of the thought--"is worth a rising young lawyer's trouble"--Don Julian conveyed through a shrug and a smile that derided his own worldly wisdom.

A young woman had met them at the door. It was evident from the excitement of the Judge's children that she was a recent and very welcome arrival. In the characteristic Filipino way formal introductions had been omitted--the judge limiting himself to a casual "Ah, ya se conocen?"--with the consequence that Alfredo called her Miss del Valle throughout the evening.

He was puzzled that she should smile with evident delight every time he addressed her thus. Later Don Julian informed him that she was not the Judge's sister, as he had supposed, but his sister-in-law, and that her name was Julia Salas. A very dignified rather austere name, he thought. Still, the young lady should have corrected him. As it was, he was greatly embarrassed, and felt that he should explain.

To his apology, she replied, "That is nothing, Each time I was about to correct you, but I remembered a similar experience I had once before."

"Oh," he drawled out, vastly relieved.

"A man named Manalang--I kept calling him Manalo. After the tenth time or so, the young man rose from his seat and said suddenly, 'Pardon me, but my name is Manalang, Manalang.' You know, I never forgave him!"

He laughed with her.

"The best thing to do under the circumstances, I have found out," she pursued, "is to pretend not to hear, and to let the other person find out his mistake without help."

"As you did this time. Still, you looked amused every time I--"

"I was thinking of Mr. Manalang."

Don Julian and his uncommunicative friend, the Judge, were absorbed in a game of chess. The young man had tired of playing appreciative spectator and desultory conversationalist, so he and Julia Salas had gone off to chat in the vine-covered porch. The lone piano in the neighborhood alternately tinkled and banged away as the player's moods altered. He listened, and wondered irrelevantly if Miss Salas could sing; she had such a charming speaking voice.

He was mildly surprised to note from her appearance that she was unmistakably a sister of the Judge's wife, although Doña Adela was of a different type altogether. She was small and plump, with wide brown eyes, clearly defined eyebrows, and delicately modeled hips--a pretty woman with the complexion of a baby and the expression of a likable cow. Julia was taller, not so obviously pretty. She had the same eyebrows and lips, but she was much darker, of a smooth rich brown with underlying tones of crimson which heightened the impression she gave of abounding vitality.

On Sunday mornings after mass, father and son would go crunching up the gravel road to the house on the hill. The Judge's wife invariably offered them beer, which Don Julian enjoyed and Alfredo did not. After a half hour or so, the chessboard would be brought out; then Alfredo and Julia Salas would go out to the porch to chat. She sat in the low hammock and he in a rocking chair and the hours--warm, quiet March hours--sped by. He enjoyed talking with her and it was evident that she liked his company; yet what feeling there was between them was so undisturbed that it seemed a matter of course. Only when Esperanza chanced to ask him indirectly about those visits did some uneasiness creep into his thoughts of the girl next door.

Esperanza had wanted to know if he went straight home after mass. Alfredo suddenly realized that for several Sundays now he had not waited for Esperanza to come out of the church as he had been wont to do. He had been eager to go "neighboring."

He answered that he went home to work. And, because he was not habitually untruthful, added, "Sometimes I go with Papa to Judge del Valle's."

She dropped the topic. Esperanza was not prone to indulge in unprovoked jealousies. She was a believer in the regenerative virtue of institutions, in their power to regulate feeling as well as conduct. If a man were married, why, of course, he loved his wife; if he were engaged, he could not possibly love another woman.

That half-lie told him what he had not admitted openly to himself, that he was giving Julia Salas something which he was not free to give. He realized that; yet something that would not be denied beckoned imperiously, and he followed on.

It was so easy to forget up there, away from the prying eyes of the world, so easy and so poignantly sweet. The beloved woman, he standing close to her, the shadows around, enfolding.

"Up here I find--something--"

He and Julia Salas stood looking out into the she quiet night. Sensing unwanted intensity, laughed, woman-like, asking, "Amusement?"

"No; youth--its spirit--"

"Are you so old?"

"And heart's desire."

Was he becoming a poet, or is there a poet lurking in the heart of every man?

"Down there," he had continued, his voice somewhat indistinct, "the road is too broad, too trodden by feet, too barren of mystery."

"Down there" beyond the ancient tamarinds lay the road, upturned to the stars. In the darkness the fireflies glimmered, while an errant breeze strayed in from somewhere, bringing elusive, faraway sounds as of voices in a dream.

"Mystery--" she answered lightly, "that is so brief--"

"Not in some," quickly. "Not in you."

"You have known me a few weeks; so the mystery."

"I could study you all my life and still not find it."

"So long?"

"I should like to."

Those six weeks were now so swift--seeming in the memory, yet had they been so deep in the living, so charged with compelling power and sweetness. Because neither the past nor the future had relevance or meaning, he lived only the present, day by day, lived it intensely, with such a willful shutting out of fact as astounded him in his calmer moments.

Just before Holy Week, Don Julian invited the judge and his family to spend Sunday afternoon at Tanda where he had a coconut plantation and a house on the beach. Carmen also came with her four energetic children. She and Doña Adela spent most of the time indoors directing the preparation of the merienda and discussing the likeable absurdities of their husbands--how Carmen's Vicente was so absorbed in his farms that he would not even take time off to accompany her on this visit to her father; how Doña Adela's Dionisio was the most absentminded of men, sometimes going out without his collar, or with unmatched socks.

After the merienda, Don Julian sauntered off with the judge to show him what a thriving young coconut looked like--"plenty of leaves, close set, rich green"--while the children, convoyed by Julia Salas, found unending entertainment in the rippling sand left by the ebbing tide. They were far down, walking at the edge of the water, indistinctly outlined against the gray of the out-curving beach.

Alfredo left his perch on the bamboo ladder of the house and followed. Here were her footsteps, narrow, arched. He laughed at himself for his black canvas footwear which he removed forthwith and tossed high up on dry sand.

When he came up, she flushed, then smiled with frank pleasure.

"I hope you are enjoying this," he said with a questioning inflection.

"Very much. It looks like home to me, except that we do not have such a lovely beach."

There was a breeze from the water. It blew the hair away from her forehead, and whipped the tucked-up skirt around her straight, slender figure. In the picture was something of eager freedom as of wings poised in flight. The girl had grace, distinction. Her face was not notably pretty; yet she had a tantalizing charm, all the more compelling because it was an inner quality, an achievement of the spirit. The lure was there, of naturalness, of an alert vitality of mind and body, of a thoughtful, sunny temper, and of a piquant perverseness which is sauce to charm.

"The afternoon has seemed very short, hasn't it?" Then, "This, I think, is the last time--we can visit."

"The last? Why?"

"Oh, you will be too busy perhaps."

He noted an evasive quality in the answer.

"Do I seem especially industrious to you?"

"If you are, you never look it."

"Not perspiring or breathless, as a busy man ought to be."

"But--"

"Always unhurried, too unhurried, and calm." She smiled to herself.

"I wish that were true," he said after a meditative pause.

She waited.

"A man is happier if he is, as you say, calm and placid."

"Like a carabao in a mud pool," she retorted perversely

"Who? I?"

"Oh, no!"

"You said I am calm and placid."

"That is what I think."

"I used to think so too. Shows how little we know ourselves."

It was strange to him that he could be wooing thus: with tone and look and covert phrase.

"I should like to see your home town."

"There is nothing to see--little crooked streets, bunut roofs with ferns growing on them, and sometimes squashes."

That was the background. It made her seem less detached, less unrelated, yet withal more distant, as if that background claimed her and excluded him.

"Nothing? There is you."

"Oh, me? But I am here."

"I will not go, of course, until you are there."

"Will you come? You will find it dull. There isn't even one American there!"

"Well--Americans are rather essential to my entertainment."

She laughed.

"We live on Calle Luz, a little street with trees."

"Could I find that?"

"If you don't ask for Miss del Valle," she smiled teasingly.

"I'll inquire about--"

"What?"

"The house of the prettiest girl in the town."

"There is where you will lose your way." Then she turned serious. "Now, that is not quite sincere."

"It is," he averred slowly, but emphatically.

"I thought you, at least, would not say such things."

"Pretty--pretty--a foolish word! But there is none other more handy I did not mean that quite--"

"Are you withdrawing the compliment?"

"Re-enforcing it, maybe. Something is pretty when it pleases the eye--it is more than that when--"

"If it saddens?" she interrupted hastily.

"Exactly."

"It must be ugly."

"Always?"

Toward the west, the sunlight lay on the dimming waters in a broad, glinting streamer of crimsoned gold.

"No, of course you are right."

"Why did you say this is the last time?" he asked quietly as they turned back.

"I am going home."

The end of an impossible dream!

"When?" after a long silence.

"Tomorrow. I received a letter from Father and Mother yesterday. They want me to spend Holy Week at home."

She seemed to be waiting for him to speak. "That is why I said this is the last time."

"Can't I come to say good-bye?"

"Oh, you don't need to!"

"No, but I want to."

"There is no time."

The golden streamer was withdrawing, shortening, until it looked no more than a pool far away at the rim of the world. Stillness, a vibrant quiet that affects the senses as does solemn harmony; a peace that is not contentment but a cessation of tumult when all violence of feeling tones down to the wistful serenity of regret. She turned and looked into his face, in her dark eyes a ghost of sunset sadness.

"Home seems so far from here. This is almost like another life."

"I know. This is Elsewhere, and yet strange enough, I cannot get rid of the old things."

"Old things?"

"Oh, old things, mistakes, encumbrances, old baggage." He said it lightly, unwilling to mar the hour. He walked close, his hand sometimes touching hers for one whirling second.

Don Julian's nasal summons came to them on the wind.

Alfredo gripped the soft hand so near his own. At his touch, the girl turned her face away, but he heard her voice say very low, "Good-bye."

ALFREDO Salazar turned to the right where, farther on, the road broadened and entered the heart of the town--heart of Chinese stores sheltered under low-hung roofs, of indolent drug stores and tailor shops, of dingy shoe-repairing establishments, and a cluttered goldsmith's cubbyhole where a consumptive bent over a magnifying lens; heart of old brick-roofed houses with quaint hand-and-ball knockers on the door; heart of grass-grown plaza reposeful with trees, of ancient church and convento, now circled by swallows gliding in flight as smooth and soft as the afternoon itself. Into the quickly deepening twilight, the voice of the biggest of the church bells kept ringing its insistent summons. Flocking came the devout with their long wax candles, young women in vivid apparel (for this was Holy Thursday and the Lord was still alive), older women in sober black skirts. Came too the young men in droves, elbowing each other under the talisay tree near the church door. The gaily decked rice-paper lanterns were again on display while from the windows of the older houses hung colored glass globes, heirlooms from a day when grasspith wicks floating in coconut oil were the chief lighting device.

Soon a double row of lights emerged from the church and uncoiled down the length of the street like a huge jewelled band studded with glittering clusters where the saints' platforms were. Above the measured music rose the untutored voices of the choir, steeped in incense and the acrid fumes of burning wax.

The sight of Esperanza and her mother sedately pacing behind Our Lady of Sorrows suddenly destroyed the illusion of continuity and broke up those lines of light into component individuals. Esperanza stiffened self-consciously, tried to look unaware, and could not.

The line moved on.

Suddenly, Alfredo's slow blood began to beat violently, irregularly. A girl was coming down the line--a girl that was striking, and vividly alive, the woman that could cause violent commotion in his heart, yet had no place in the completed ordering of his life.

Her glance of abstracted devotion fell on him and came to a brief stop.

The line kept moving on, wending its circuitous route away from the church and then back again, where, according to the old proverb, all processions end.

At last Our Lady of Sorrows entered the church, and with her the priest and the choir, whose voices now echoed from the arched ceiling. The bells rang the close of the procession.

A round orange moon, "huge as a winnowing basket," rose lazily into a clear sky, whitening the iron roofs and dimming the lanterns at the windows. Along the still densely shadowed streets the young women with their rear guard of males loitered and, maybe, took the longest way home.

Toward the end of the row of Chinese stores, he caught up with Julia Salas. The crowd had dispersed into the side streets, leaving Calle Real to those who lived farther out. It was past eight, and Esperanza would be expecting him in a little while: yet the thought did not hurry him as he said "Good evening" and fell into step with the girl.

"I had been thinking all this time that you had gone," he said in a voice that was both excited and troubled.

"No, my sister asked me to stay until they are ready to go."

"Oh, is the Judge going?"

"Yes."

The provincial docket had been cleared, and Judge del Valle had been assigned elsewhere. As lawyer--and as lover--Alfredo had found that out long before.

"Mr. Salazar," she broke into his silence, "I wish to congratulate you."

Her tone told him that she had learned, at last. That was inevitable.

"For what?"

"For your approaching wedding."

Some explanation was due her, surely. Yet what could he say that would not offend?

"I should have offered congratulations long before, but you know mere visitors are slow about getting the news," she continued.

He listened not so much to what she said as to the nuances in her voice. He heard nothing to enlighten him, except that she had reverted to the formal tones of early acquaintance. No revelation there; simply the old voice--cool, almost detached from personality, flexible and vibrant, suggesting potentialities of song.

"Are weddings interesting to you?" he finally brought out quietly

"When they are of friends, yes."

"Would you come if I asked you?"

"When is it going to be?"

"May," he replied briefly, after a long pause.

"May is the month of happiness they say," she said, with what seemed to him a shade of irony.

"They say," slowly, indifferently. "Would you come?"

"Why not?"

"No reason. I am just asking. Then you will?"

"If you will ask me," she said with disdain.

"Then I ask you."

"Then I will be there."

The gravel road lay before them; at the road's end the lighted windows of the house on the hill. There swept over the spirit of Alfredo Salazar a longing so keen that it was pain, a wish that, that house were his, that all the bewilderments of the present were not, and that this woman by his side were his long wedded wife, returning with him to the peace of home.

"Julita," he said in his slow, thoughtful manner, "did you ever have to choose between something you wanted to do and something you had to do?"

"No!"

"I thought maybe you had had that experience; then you could understand a man who was in such a situation."

"You are fortunate," he pursued when she did not answer.

"Is--is this man sure of what he should do?"

"I don't know, Julita. Perhaps not. But there is a point where a thing escapes us and rushes downward of its own weight, dragging us along. Then it is foolish to ask whether one will or will not, because it no longer depends on him."

"But then why--why--" her muffled voice came. "Oh, what do I know? That is his problem after all."

"Doesn't it--interest you?"

"Why must it? I--I have to say good-bye, Mr. Salazar; we are at the house."

Without lifting her eyes she quickly turned and walked away.

Had the final word been said? He wondered. It had. Yet a feeble flutter of hope trembled in his mind though set against that hope were three years of engagement, a very near wedding, perfect understanding between the parents, his own conscience, and Esperanza herself--Esperanza waiting, Esperanza no longer young, Esperanza the efficient, the literal-minded, the intensely acquisitive.

He looked attentively at her where she sat on the sofa, appraisingly, and with a kind of aversion which he tried to control.

She was one of those fortunate women who have the gift of uniformly acceptable appearance. She never surprised one with unexpected homeliness nor with startling reserves of beauty. At home, in church, on the street, she was always herself, a woman past first bloom, light and clear of complexion, spare of arms and of breast, with a slight convexity to thin throat; a woman dressed with self-conscious care, even elegance; a woman distinctly not average.

She was pursuing an indignant relation about something or other, something about Calixta, their note-carrier, Alfredo perceived, so he merely half-listened, understanding imperfectly. At a pause he drawled out to fill in the gap: "Well, what of it?" The remark sounded ruder than he had intended.

"She is not married to him," Esperanza insisted in her thin, nervously pitched voice. "Besides, she should have thought of us. Nanay practically brought her up. We never thought she would turn out bad."

What had Calixta done? Homely, middle-aged Calixta?

"You are very positive about her badness," he commented dryly. Esperanza was always positive.

"But do you approve?"

"Of what?"

"What she did."

"No," indifferently.

"Well?"

He was suddenly impelled by a desire to disturb the unvexed orthodoxy of her mind. "All I say is that it is not necessarily wicked."

"Why shouldn't it be? You talked like an--immoral man. I did not know that your ideas were like that."

"My ideas?" he retorted, goaded by a deep, accumulated exasperation. "The only test I wish to apply to conduct is the test of fairness. Am I injuring anybody? No? Then I am justified in my conscience. I am right. Living with a man to whom she is not married--is that it? It may be wrong, and again it may not."

"She has injured us. She was ungrateful." Her voice was tight with resentment.

"The trouble with you, Esperanza, is that you are--" he stopped, appalled by the passion in his voice.

"Why do you get angry? I do not understand you at all! I think I know why you have been indifferent to me lately. I am not blind, or deaf; I see and hear what perhaps some are trying to keep from me." The blood surged into his very eyes and his hearing sharpened to points of acute pain. What would she say next?

"Why don't you speak out frankly before it is too late? You need not think of me and of what people will say." Her voice trembled.

Alfredo was suffering as he could not remember ever having suffered before. What people will say--what will they not say? What don't they say when long engagements are broken almost on the eve of the wedding?

"Yes," he said hesitatingly, diffidently, as if merely thinking aloud, "one tries to be fair--according to his lights--but it is hard. One would like to be fair to one's self first. But that is too easy, one does not dare--"

"What do you mean?" she asked with repressed violence. "Whatever my shortcomings, and no doubt they are many in your eyes, I have never gone out of my way, of my place, to find a man."

Did she mean by this irrelevant remark that he it was who had sought her; or was that a covert attack on Julia Salas?

"Esperanza--" a desperate plea lay in his stumbling words. "If you--suppose I--" Yet how could a mere man word such a plea?

"If you mean you want to take back your word, if you are tired of--why don't you tell me you are tired of me?" she burst out in a storm of weeping that left him completely shamed and unnerved.

The last word had been said.

III

AS Alfredo Salazar leaned against the boat rail to watch the evening settling over the lake, he wondered if Esperanza would attribute any significance to this trip of his. He was supposed to be in Sta. Cruz whither the case of the People of the Philippine Islands vs. Belina et al had kept him, and there he would have been if Brigida Samuy had not been so important to the defense. He had to find that elusive old woman. That the search was leading him to that particular lake town which was Julia Salas' home should not disturb him unduly Yet he was disturbed to a degree utterly out of proportion to the prosaicalness of his errand. That inner tumult was no surprise to him; in the last eight years he had become used to such occasional storms. He had long realized that he could not forget Julia Salas. Still, he had tried to be content and not to remember too much. The climber of mountains who has known the back-break, the lonesomeness, and the chill, finds a certain restfulness in level paths made easy to his feet. He looks up sometimes from the valley where settles the dusk of evening, but he knows he must not heed the radiant beckoning. Maybe, in time, he would cease even to look up.

He was not unhappy in his marriage. He felt no rebellion: only the calm of capitulation to what he recognized as irresistible forces of circumstance and of character. His life had simply ordered itself; no more struggles, no more stirring up of emotions that got a man nowhere. From his capacity of complete detachment he derived a strange solace. The essential himself, the himself that had its being in the core of his thought, would, he reflected, always be free and alone. When claims encroached too insistently, as sometimes they did, he retreated into the inner fastness, and from that vantage he saw things and people around him as remote and alien, as incidents that did not matter. At such times did Esperanza feel baffled and helpless; he was gentle, even tender, but immeasurably far away, beyond her reach.

Lights were springing into life on the shore. That was the town, a little up-tilted town nestling in the dark greenness of the groves. A snubcrested belfry stood beside the ancient church. On the outskirts the evening smudges glowed red through the sinuous mists of smoke that rose and lost themselves in the purple shadows of the hills. There was a young moon which grew slowly luminous as the coral tints in the sky yielded to the darker blues of evening.

The vessel approached the landing quietly, trailing a wake of long golden ripples on the dark water. Peculiar hill inflections came to his ears from the crowd assembled to meet the boat--slow, singing cadences, characteristic of the Laguna lake-shore speech. From where he stood he could not distinguish faces, so he had no way of knowing whether the presidente was there to meet him or not. Just then a voice shouted.

"Is the abogado there? Abogado!"

"What abogado?" someone irately asked.

That must be the presidente, he thought, and went down to the landing.

It was a policeman, a tall pock-marked individual. The presidente had left with Brigida Samuy--Tandang "Binday"--that noon for Santa Cruz. Señor Salazar's second letter had arrived late, but the wife had read it and said, "Go and meet the abogado and invite him to our house."

Alfredo Salazar courteously declined the invitation. He would sleep on board since the boat would leave at four the next morning anyway. So the presidente had received his first letter? Alfredo did not know because that official had not sent an answer. "Yes," the policeman replied, "but he could not write because we heard that Tandang Binday was in San Antonio so we went there to find her."

San Antonio was up in the hills! Good man, the presidente! He, Alfredo, must do something for him. It was not every day that one met with such willingness to help.

Eight o'clock, lugubriously tolled from the bell tower, found the boat settled into a somnolent quiet. A cot had been brought out and spread for him, but it was too bare to be inviting at that hour. It was too early to sleep: he would walk around the town. His heart beat faster as he picked his way to shore over the rafts made fast to sundry piles driven into the water.

How peaceful the town was! Here and there a little tienda was still open, its dim light issuing forlornly through the single window which served as counter. An occasional couple sauntered by, the women's chinelas making scraping sounds. From a distance came the shrill voices of children playing games on the street--tubigan perhaps, or "hawk-and-chicken." The thought of Julia Salas in that quiet place filled him with a pitying sadness.

How would life seem now if he had married Julia Salas? Had he meant anything to her? That unforgettable red-and-gold afternoon in early April haunted him with a sense of incompleteness as restless as other unlaid ghosts. She had not married--why? Faithfulness, he reflected, was not a conscious effort at regretful memory. It was something unvolitional, maybe a recurrent awareness of irreplaceability. Irrelevant trifles--a cool wind on his forehead, far-away sounds as of voices in a dream--at times moved him to an oddly irresistible impulse to listen as to an insistent, unfinished prayer.

A few inquiries led him to a certain little tree-ceilinged street where the young moon wove indistinct filigrees of fight and shadow. In the gardens the cotton tree threw its angular shadow athwart the low stone wall; and in the cool, stilly midnight the cock's first call rose in tall, soaring jets of sound. Calle Luz.

Somehow or other, he had known that he would find her house because she would surely be sitting at the window. Where else, before bedtime on a moonlit night? The house was low and the light in the sala behind her threw her head into unmistakable relief. He sensed rather than saw her start of vivid surprise.

"Good evening," he said, raising his hat.

"Good evening. Oh! Are you in town?"

"On some little business," he answered with a feeling of painful constraint.

"Won't you come up?"

He considered. His vague plans had not included this. But Julia Salas had left the window, calling to her mother as she did so. After a while, someone came downstairs with a lighted candle to open the door. At last--he was shaking her hand.

She had not changed much--a little less slender, not so eagerly alive, yet something had gone. He missed it, sitting opposite her, looking thoughtfully into her fine dark eyes. She asked him about the home town, about this and that, in a sober, somewhat meditative tone. He conversed with increasing ease, though with a growing wonder that he should be there at all. He could not take his eyes from her face. What had she lost? Or was the loss his? He felt an impersonal curiosity creeping into his gaze. The girl must have noticed, for her cheek darkened in a blush.

Gently--was it experimentally?--he pressed her hand at parting; but his own felt undisturbed and emotionless. Did she still care? The answer to the question hardly interested him.

The young moon had set, and from the uninviting cot he could see one half of a star-studded sky.

So that was all over.

Why had he obstinately clung to that dream?

So all these years--since when?--he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.

An immense sadness as of loss invaded his spirit, a vast homesickness for some immutable refuge of the heart far away where faded gardens bloom again, and where live on in unchanging freshness, the dear, dead loves of vanished youth.

************
Someday...

It has happened before. It will happen again.

Happiness

2011-12-14T00:24:00.003+08:00

On my way home tonight, going down the elevator, I had this mental conversation with myself about the above topic.

A1: To be always happy, you must find your of happiness within you, not from external sources.
A2: I know that, and I totally agree, but what about the exhilarating feeling you get from another person's presence, the way your heart feels like a flower in full bloom when a special someone showers you with attention, the way a sweet text message in the morning could get you humming the whole day?
A1: You have a point. I suppose, being all too human, I just can't draw all those things from myself... I guess what I meant was, with or without those giddy moments, I should find satisfaction with myself, my life, and still be appreciative of everything that's going on around me... That I should still find joy in the company of others, savor my moments of solitude, and not peg my happiness on anyone or anything.
A3: You know what? You two are over-analyzing again. Stop it. We should just go home and rest. We have to be at the office early tomorrow, remember?

That's what Terry Pratchett calls the "First Thoughts, Second Thoughts and Third Thoughts." In our world it's called Schizophrenia.

Oh gawd, I missed writing. Less than two weeks, and I can finally start work on my new blog. Hurray for me! \o/

It's Over

2011-11-28T16:30:00.002+08:00

No matter how you try to make something work, when it was never meant to work, it never will.

I haven't been happy for months now, but I keep giving it a second chance, because, when I add all the numbers up, it is always more advantageous to stay than leave.

But I don't like what I'm turning into. I don't like what I have become.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life seeing nothing but the flaws. I don't want to be a nagging, dysfunctional wife.

I want to be sweet and loving and gentle and forgiving.

And he just doesn't ignite those feelings in me. Quite the opposite, in fact.

So instead of adding up the numbers and being logical, I'll follow my heart this Christmas. Who knows, maybe I'll find my ideal man yet...

If not, being single forever doesn't worry me. It's what I've always wanted since I was a child.

I Am Woman

2011-11-24T10:15:00.007+08:00

I used to have this running fantasy in my head where I'm being interviewed in national TV when I'm famous and the host asks me to describe myself. I imagined myself answering:

"Well, I would describe myself as a typical woman. I love to shop, I'm addicted to bags and shoes and buy more than I need, I'm vain, loathe smelly stuff and people, frequently have mood swings, change my mind in an instant and change it back the next, likes being treated like a princess, and dreams of having a partner who makes grand gestures of love every now and then. I'm just like most women, really."

I got reminded of this daydream by what Zosi said to me a few days ago. During an argument over something I can't remember now, he said: "Ang hirap sa'yo napaka-contradicting mo. Kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa'yo eh. Pabago-bago ka ng isip."

That did stop me in my tracks and got me musing. So that's why he waits until I'm blowing my top before he reacts. Hmn.

Yeah, I do contradict myself most times. I do get mad easily and be appeased as easily. My temper could get from freezing to boiling point in nanoseconds.

I guess, if Zosi ever dedicates a song to me, this is it.

Yes, I am a typical woman. I am a walking bundle of contradictions. I expect nothing and hope for everything. I can be the sweetest, gentlest, most nurturing creature, yet be so fierce, so vindictive, so cruel. I can love and hate with equal passion. If what I say today contradicts what I said yesterday, it doesn't mean I lied. I just changed my mind or my emotions are different.

I am me. This is who I am. As one of my often-used quotes goes: "If you can't accept the worst of me, you don't deserve the best of me."

In fairness to Zosi, he's seen me at my worst. He has seen me down with a cold so bad I had to stuff my nose with tissue paper while sleeping. He has witnessed me roar at a gas boy when he put gasoline instead of diesel to my tank. He has been the butt of my temper countless times.

And still he stays. I keep asking him why he loves me so much, and Patrick Rothfuss gave him the perfect answer:

"So yes. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."

If only everybody could love that way...

Arice in Wanderland--AGAIN

2011-11-04T01:00:00.006+08:00

"You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." --Friedrich Nietzsche

Aaand I'd rather not give birth at all. Normal birthing is painful enough, but a DANCING STAR? S'riously? That one was obviously written by a man.

Odd humor aside, that's one of my favorite quotes. Perhaps the only line I keep in a secret pocket of my heart, taken out during times of emergencies, like, well--times when I have chaos in my soul.

Today is the culmination of a series of misadventures brought about by the required medical examination for my job.

For the past two weeks and a half, I've been trying unsuccessfully to accomplish the medical exams at that blasted clinic Healthlab. First try, at their Makati branch, I didn't make it because they have a cut-off time for processing medical exams. It was 2pm and they close at 4pm. So the next time, I thought to try their E. Rodriguez branch. I got there at 1pm, thinking that since they are the same company, they must have the same working hours. Big mistake on my part. This branch closes at 12pm. I was told by the guard to return last Wednesday, and I did, and then I learned that they don't process medical exams there for my company (so what the heck was the address on the endorsement slip for, huh?). So today, I went to their Makati branch, bringing, for the nth time, a stool sample. AT 11AM, THEY'RE NOT ACCEPTING PATIENTS ANYMORE.

So I did the next best thing I could: Ask them if I could just leave my sample and return on the morrow. They agreed, warning me that my medical examination has to be processed within 24 hours or I'll have to bring a sample again.

Despite my chagrin at having to go back to detested Makati, I was quite happy that at least I don't have to prepare a sample again.

Then, late this afternoon, I got my period.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!

That just meant I had to lug the smelly stuff again all the way to Makati, sometime next week. Ohshit! With all the puns in the world contained in that expletive.

And I thought the worst thing that could happen today was me getting lost from Makati on the way to work, with almost no cash on me.

I didn't realize until I paid the cab at Makati Medical Center that I only have Php 220 with me. After paying him, that left me with only Php140 to get to work then back home. The day before, I had around Php800 in my purse, so this morning I did not bother to add money from my wallet. Too late did I remember that I bought an MRT prepaid card, took a cab, paid cash for lunch and dinner, which all in all reduced my money to Php220.

Being short on cash, I didn't want to take a cab back to the MRT station. I took a jeepney going to PRC instead. I was near Shopwise when I realized that it was a mistake and that it's getting me further from EDSA, so I disembarked, and yeah, took a cab to the MRT station (so much for economizing). Thankfully, my money was enough to pay for the cab fare and I still had enough left for the bus ride home.

And with all the angst that today's frustrations have given me, here I am, draining the stress from my system by writing.

Chaos in the soul to give birth to a dancing star, indeed. Yes, indeed.

With this much chaos I have right now, I'll soon finish a novel that will rival Tolstoy's Anna Karenina.

I wish.

Back To Normal

2011-11-03T01:22:00.002+08:00

The past two months have been a rollercoaster ride. Imagine starting and quitting two jobs in the span of a month and a half.

Then I got hired at West, and little by little, things settled down.

I officially finished training last Monday, and now everything's back to a routine.

Some people say that routines are boring. But I like boring. Boring is good. It gives you time to pray and ponder and go after your goals singlemindedly. Boring means everything is going well with your life.

And after two months of breathless uncertainty, albeit at some points exciting, my life is back to normal. Just the way I like it.

A Whole New World, Take Two

2011-10-17T21:54:00.003+08:00

I have been working at my new job for a week now and I noticed an unhealthy trend. I've been eating too much fast food. Just look at the list of where I had my lunches last week:

Monday - Mcdonalds
Tuesday - KFC
Wednesday - The Old Spaghetti House
Thursday - Shakey's
Friday - Max's

Bad for my health, digs a giant hole in my pocket.

Parking near our office is also a wallet wringer. Damn, Php240 for only nine hours of parking! That's enough to cover my bus fare for four days. More than enough if I ride the MRT >.<

I love our office, especially the ladies' room and the view of the Pasig River from the Huddle Room and Pantry. I absolutely adore the surrounding areas too, plenty to see, buy and eat, and I could just hang out at Starbucks or at the mall if I'm feeling too lazy to go home.

The downside is, I'd be overspending.

But hey, what's the use of money if not for spending? Ayt? Ayt.

^-----^;

So Now I Rant

2011-10-15T01:33:00.005+08:00

The Civil Service Commission was supposed to post the venue where the examinees will take their Civil Service Examination on Sunday, October 16, 2011, a week before the exams-- BUT NOW THEIR WEBSITE IS DOWN.

They could have just given me the venue at the time I paid the registration fee, but no, they want to show the world that they're modern etc, and then they fall splat on their faces because their servers can't handle the volume of visitors.

Screw you, government service!

With that said, I now firmly turn my back on ever being a civil servant.

I never really wanted to work in government anyway. I was just convinced by a very persuasive person.

Anyways...

I'm sure God has directed me to the right job (more on this when I'm not so angsty) and that interlude with PPA was just a way for Him to get me out of my comfort zone.

So I guess I'll spend this weekend partying instead of studying. I'll just play delivery girl later. And it will even make a special someone terrifically happy. Hah! You really just have to count your blessings.

Cheers, everyone! Have a beautiful weekend!

Stars Are Blind

2011-09-30T01:08:00.003+08:00

I really like this song, despite the fact that it's sung by Paris Hilton. Incidentally, it's also one of those songs I can sing passably in videoke ^---^;

I don't mind spending some time
Just hanging here with you
'Cause I don't find too many guys
That treat me like you do.
Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride
But when I walk they talk of suicide
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride
But you can see the real me inside
And I'm satisfied, oh no, ohh

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine
I can make it nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Maybe I'm perfect for you

Ohh, ohh, ohh

I could be your confidante
Just one of your girlfriends
But I know that's not what you want
If tomorrow the world ends
Why shouldn't we be with the one we really love?
Now tell me who have you been dreaming of?
I and I alone, oh, no

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine
I can make it nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby I'm perfect for you

Excuse me for feeling
This moment is critical
Might be we feel it
It could get physical, oh no, no, no

Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine
I can make it nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Oh
Let's see what love can do (Oh)
Maybe I'm perfect for you

Maybe I'm perfect for you (Oh)
You (Oh)
Maybe I'm perfect for you

Even though the gods are crazy (Oh)
Even though the stars are blind (Oh)
Even though the gods are crazy (Oh)
Even though the stars are blind (Oh)

Besides, I do have a marvelous memento which reminds me of Paris, so I guess she's not too bad. What should I care about her personal life anyway? It's not for me to judge what she does. And oh, did I say I really like this song? Yep. I really really do.

Crossroads

2011-09-22T01:34:00.006+08:00

This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do. --Tiffany Aching in "I Shall Wear Midnight" by Terry Pratchett

There will come times in our lives when we have to make difficult choices. It isn't always between what's good and bad, or what's painful and pleasurable to us. Actually, most times, the hardest choices are between those that are equally desirable to us.

Either way, from that point onwards, what-ifs would always haunt us for the rest of our lives. On some quiet night far into the future, we would look back and ask ourselves where would we be, if we took the other path. We would wonder whether we would be happier, more content, more satisfied. If we are happy with our current situation, we would believe that we made the right choice. If we aren't, we would be regretting that decision made so long ago.

Sometimes, too, life presents us with an opportunity to be truly happy. Most times, we ignore it because we're too afraid to let go of the comfort and security offered by the dull routines of our lives. Or we're too afraid of society's judgment.

And some years down the line, sitting on a rocking chair, lost in reveries, we'd remember that sweet moment, the intensity of our feelings, the unbelievable joy experienced, that piece of heaven exchanged for the mundane, and we would silently weep at the might-have-beens.

Almost 29, so much of my life is still ahead of me. Not too many regrets, and those still reparable. So I wonder. What if life presents me with one of those tough decisions now? Would I be brave enough to choose the path that offers equal measures of great happiness and sorrow, or would I take the easy way and choose the steadier, more boring path?

What am I made of? Am I daring enough to defy all odds, or am I a chicken who needs the security of the coop?

I'm sure, I'll have the answer 30 years from now.

Ah, Paris!

2011-09-13T17:19:00.003+08:00

Just A Kiss
by Lady Antebellum

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this, let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
No, I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no, it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No, I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

No, I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave
But you'll be in my dreams
Tonight, tonight, tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby, I'm alright

Oh, let's do this right with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight, kiss goodnight

Until We Meet Again

2011-09-10T23:35:00.009+08:00

Bowling and Dinner at SM North EDSA with Atty. Salao and some PRDG Peeps (09.09.2011)

Research, IMD, Journals, Education Program, Project Mgmt.
& PRDG with Atty. Salao at the SM Bowling Alley

Sir Erick, Attorney, Gellie, Me, Yna, Irish, Janet & Leah

The Research Girls

Err, why are Attorney, Eve and Paddy looking at me like that?

My daughter, Carmel

Dinner at Napoli's Pizzeria

Kuya Almar, Sir Erick & Sir Zaldy at the other end of the table

Even though I'm having a hard time moving now because of my bodily pains (imagine bowling until you can hardly lift the ball), it was worth it. It was great seeing so many familiar faces again, in such a relaxed atmosphere.

Let's do this again sometime, shall we?

Love of a Jealous Kind

2011-09-06T15:08:00.002+08:00

Still with writer's block so I'll just keep posting songs here for a while. Will demolish the block when my new blog's finally up. That's soon, I think. Brushing up on CSS and HTML skills atm. Anybody willing to tutor me?

If It Makes You Happy

2011-09-02T00:51:00.003+08:00

So the Martial Law on this blog has been lifted. Freedom of expression exists once again. All hail democracy!

Soul Mates

2011-08-22T22:57:00.003+08:00

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Since it is the last week of classes and I just started at a new job, things are quite hectic and there's not much time for writing nor for soul searching, so I'll just leave a lovely quote here just to let all of you know that this blog isn't dead yet.

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope your day was as good as mine. Thanks for everyone who made me smile and laugh today.

On Loop

2011-08-14T09:37:00.001+08:00

Wonderful song and movie. Makes me want to stay in bed the whole day and imagine myself living in a fairytale (I'm the witch :P).

Of Goodbyes and New Beginnings

2011-08-10T21:12:00.007+08:00

So I've taken the plunge, decided to leave what's familiar, and will go on to the unknown for self-fulfillment and growth.

I'm happy. Here's one of the jobs I've been dreaming of, and suddenly, without effort, it's mine. Apart from the better remuneration, it will free my Saturdays for the much-needed research, and it will give ample opportunity for me to deal with different kinds of people. The last is something that I need in strengthening my character. As Goethe said: “Talents are best nurtured in solitude, but character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world.”

And I'm equally sad. I'm leaving people I have grown fond of in the two years of my stay with Rex. Sure, we will still meet each other every now and then, but it's different seeing them every day.

I've also grown attached to my job, my untidy corner, and my daily work dilemmas. It feels like I'm deserting a child I've nurtured before he/she is able to fend for him/herself.

It's also unlikely that I'll have another boss as kind and as understanding as my current one. I really wouldn't exchange him for any other boss (I actually just did) if I had a choice (I actually do: Stay and be miserable or leave and regain the enthusiasm for life that I've been slowly losing day by day). But I must do what needs to be done--for continuous improvement (Kaizen!).

So this Monday, I will no longer greet familiar faces, perform my old routine, nor travel the same path. I will go far beyond, meet new people, and learn new tasks.

I'm both fearful and excited. Wanting to rush in and stay put. Go embrace the world and shut myself in my comfort zone.

But I am a warrior. I will push forward despite my fears. I will move on and conquer new worlds once I've gained all I have to gain in one place. I will keep growing and shun stagnation until the day I die.

Goodbyes are painful, but the joy of new beginnings will soon replace the sadness in one's soul. To quote Paulo Coelho: "When someone leaves, it is because someone new is about to arrive."

Tuesday Mornings in Bed with My Laptop

2011-08-09T05:23:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep as much as I used to before. I went to sleep around 9pm last night and woke up at 12:30am. I was only able to sleep again after reversing my position in bed. And then I woke up at 4:30am, fully awake, with no vestiges of sleepiness left.

Growing old, aren't I?

I don't mind, though. Perhaps I'll miss being the center of attention, passing by and turning heads (totoo 'to, maniwala kayo hehehe), and being given more leeway for idiocy because of my youth, but that's a small price to pay for the maturity and wisdom that I think I'm finally gaining.

I'm not so tempestuous anymore, I've learned to think before acting, and I'm more responsible now.

I'm not saying though that I've suddenly become a fount of wisdom and maturity. I know that I still have a long way to go with regards to that, but I believe I'm on the right track.

At 28, I'm slowly learning what I really want from life and where I should be headed. I know I'm a little bit late compared to my classmates in high school (most of them are married with children now--and look so matronly, with the flab and all), but hey, I've never denied being a latebloomer. Besides, I look so much younger than they do (like 10 years younger), that must account for something.

Ayt?

Ayt.

Haha! A blessed Tuesday morning to us all!

A Matter of Habit

2011-08-07T21:54:00.005+08:00

Porkchop & Java Rice

I've been craving for roasted pork from Kangaroo Jack since Monday, but because of my busy schedule, I was only able to satisfy my cravings this evening. After I finished my tasks today, I thought to myself: "Why not go to Kangaroo Jack and have a date with myself?" So I did. And... It felt normal.

It's been three years since I went out to dinner alone. Three years of shared activities, of weekends together, of being a couple. Three years of being accustomed to someone else's presence.

Then little by little, we started breaking all those habits that bound us closely together. We started limiting our meetings to weekends because we're both so busy. We barely talk on the phone or sms each other anymore because when I get home at night, he's already asleep. When he's done with his work, I'm doing mine.

Three months of solitary weekday evenings spent at home listening to music and doing all the things that I used to do when I was single passed. And once again, I got used to being on my own. So used to it that this weekend feels quite normal.

That doesn't bode well for us, does it? Or maybe it's for the best?

In a Rage

2011-08-04T22:08:00.007+08:00

I really wouldn't be so mad right now if he didn't set my expectation that we'd be meeting today. After all, I did offer to meet tomorrow instead because I have class in HRM and Sir Pompey usually dismisses late.

He insisted on meeting, then he doesn't show up. His reason? He didn't wake up.

Tell me, gentle readers, is it wrong of me to be angry? We've been together for three damned years, and he knows that one of the things I really hate is being disappointed. He knows that I'd rather have an ugly straight answer than have my expectations crushed. Working in Customer Service, he knows fully well that setting the right expectation is the key to customer satisfaction. Unmet expectations lead to irate customers.

He knows, and still he does it. Still he does it.

Huh. Seems like it's going to be an episode of "New Work, New Hair, New Love" for me. The last category needs filling, but then again, I'm not boasting when I say "Kayang-kaya kitang palitan, sampu pa!"

Suddenly

2011-08-02T00:17:00.003+08:00

Drix, Me, Jc

Rommel, Birthday Boy

Things happen when we least expect them. Take tonight, for example. During class, all I really wanted was go home and brood over my test results, possibly lecture myself for negligence, and do some reading as a recompense. Then on the way home, Jc was so persistent in egging Rommel to treat us for his birthday to the point of coming with us past Morayta (where he usually disembarks) that on impulse I turned on the street siding Shakey's España. We ended up going Dutch, but we had a great time exchanging stories and poking fun at some people that now my throat is raw from laughing too much.

I never expected to find friends in school. Actually, past events, especially those that happened in June, made me hesitant about building relationships beyond those that I currently have.

I'm probably the friendliest, sweetest, most accommodating, most generous, and most considerate person alive in Quezon City, yet I've noticed a sad trend. I make friends, we become close, they become important to me, then something happens that destroys the relationship, leaving me bitter and feeling betrayed.

So I decided to guard my heart, keep a suitable distance, be approachable, but never close.

Then I spend time with some wonderful people, and my guard lowers, making me hope that maybe, just maybe, among them are those rare few I could build a lasting relationship with.

So I begin to debate with myself. Should I try again? What's there to lose if I try reaching out to these people? So what if I get hurt again? If I tried I gain something. If it doesn't work out, well, I walk away a little wiser.

And just like that, I'm a little bit more optimistic about human nature.

Father Figures

2011-07-25T22:03:00.004+08:00

I arrived at the office at 6:30am this morning because I was avoiding the traffic jam that I expected to ensue due to the closing of the Commonwealth northbound lane in preparation for the President's State of the Nation Address (SONA).

Since I was early at the office, I could leave at 3:30pm but I couldn't go home because they close Commonwealth during SONA, so I decided to take that opportunity to have that chat with Dr. Pompeyo Adamos that I've been promising myself.

I arrived at his office around 4:30pm and we finished talking around 6:30pm. Phew! I felt so drained afterwards I skipped going to the library and slept in my car instead. I woke up at quarter to 9pm and the LPU parking lot was almost deserted. (I think that wasn't a very wise move. Good thing God and His angels are always watching over me.)

While talking, I noticed a Libra bookmark sticking from one of his numerous books and I wondered if it was because he's a Libra or it's his wife's or children's. Not long after, it was revealed that we share the same birthday. Huh, so that must be part of the reason I find him so fascinating. Aside from his vast intellect, that is.

I believe the other part is because I'm seeking for paternal conversation. Tatay is great and all, but he's not exactly the type you can talk to about the inner workings of your soul. The age gap is so great, and he was molded in an era where men were mostly doers and never spent much time in introspection, that having a heart-to-heart talk is out of the question.

As Sir Adamos said, for people like us (Librans), talking is our therapy. We must be able to vent and express ourselves to function properly.

And lacking that avenue with my biological father, I look for it elsewhere. Thus my particular interest in people like Sir Adamos and Sir Santos.

Which leads to the meat of our conversation today. How long can I last talking to a rock? How long before the frustrations that engenders makes me decide to walk away?

Ah, profundity.

Movies

2011-07-23T20:27:00.001+08:00

"500 Days of Summer"

Summer: "I woke up one morning and I just knew."
Tom: "Knew what?"
Summer: "What I was never sure of with you."

"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"

Connor Mead: Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less...

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

"The Holiday"

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

*************

In this silence
I sense the change.
How long, I wonder
Before this shelter
Is torn asunder?

From Point Zero

2011-07-18T19:25:00.004+08:00

“My Angel”

It is dark, and the rain
Is falling unceasingly.
The cold is seeping
Through my bones
Like a wet blanket
Settling on my back.

Sweet beguiling lips
Smiling tenderly.
Gentle eyes
Promising warmth.
Arms invitingly open,
Offering comfort.

The storm surrounds me.
At my back
And before my eyes
A gloomy landscape.
My soul weakens
Though the will holds.

And he comes.
He’s always there.
When all hope is lost
He comes. He comes
Wings outstretched
To take me away.

Billowing cloak
of the deepest black
Partly hiding
Garments as dark
Contrasting with
Shimmery white wings.

Serenely he smiles
And beckons me
With his pale
Slender hands.
He whispers,
“Come to peace.”

In my darkest hour.
In times of great distress.
Always, he comes
Offering peace.
Always, I refuse,
Pretending strength
I don’t possess.

I wrote the poem above in 2007, when I was at the lowest point in my life, and I feel that today is a time for reminiscing, a time for looking back at the person I was, to see the improvements in myself, to realize how far I've come, and to remind myself that my journey isn't over--that there are still fields to conquer, mountains to climb, obstacles to hurdle.

I'm so blessed that God has given me such a resilient nature, that He has created me a fighter. Despite my past failures, despite 10 years of depression, despite everything I've suffered, despite all the people who have tried to pull me down, I haven't gone too far astray nor have I ever given up striving to reach my dreams.

I've seen a few people who have lost hope and sanity because of life's trials, and I know it's not good to compare, but they validate my strength. I've endured so much more, and I've only gotten more determined to succeed.

Perhaps this strength, this willpower, this is what keeps me apart, this is what makes all but a few unique individuals be wary of me, and I now embrace it fully. I am who I am and I will never compromise myself again just to gain the approval of the world.

I've got my magic back, and it feels so good tears stream from my eyes.

Comfort Food Friday

2011-07-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

Since I wasn't feeling well, I made up by eating. I had lunch at Lam Tin with Ma'm Malou (her treat ^^) which consisted of rice and fish fillet in tausi sauce, apple for the afternoon break, then before going to school I passed by 7/11 and bought food which I ate in class, and then Zosi and I had dinner at Wendy's.

I think, if I haven't been taking Centrum daily, I would be down with the flu now (that's what you call free advertisement).

So I'll be sleeping early tonight because I won't have a chance to rest this weekend and this is not a good time to get sick.

To celebrate Ronald's birthday, we're going to watch Harry Potter on Sunday afternoon. And before meeting him I'm going shopping with Zosi for Christmas presents. It's early, but I usually shop for gifts for his and my family (which is 40+), plus friends and obligatory cris cringles, so this year I'd like to avoid the toxic December gift-buying and wrapping. I'd like to enjoy the Christmas season for once without being stressed over our combined gift-list.

Crazy weekend ahead *sigh*

The Science of Metaphysics

2011-07-14T22:46:00.004+08:00

Err, wot?

Dr. Adamos and I had this interesting conversation tonight while I was waiting for Jc and Rommel to finish taking the midterm exams.

It all started with me asking if he can read my handwriting as I didn't bother to rewrite my answers because my right hand was hurting from writing so much already. He said he can read it. We got to talking and he said that judging from my essay on our first exam, he can see that I am a good writer. I said "I should be, or else I don't deserve my degree in Journalism."

That prompted him to say that he can tell the personality of a person through their handwriting. He said that I am meticulous and I pay attention to small details. Which got me interested because I wanted to learn to do that too--well, generally read people, so I asked him how it is done.

He said that through experience and the help of the third eye, one can read people through their eyes, their face, the way they talk, and their aura.

He then launched into his reading of my character. He said that I have a very dominating character which shows the moment I speak, that I have my own way of thinking and doing things, that I have an incisive and questioning mind, that I am insistent...

I quote some of the things he said that I remember:

"You're pretty, but your prettiness is not apparent. You capture the attention, but you don't captivate. To captivate, you must have charisma."

"To put it succinctly, you do not have charisma. The other definition of charisma is keeping the childish in you alive."

"Your aura is very strong, but there's also a part of you that is dark."

"People would like to help those who are helpless, but you, you're very dominating, not helpless at all." And he went on to talk about the concept of the damsel in distress, of the knight-in-shining armor instinct in everyone.

"People, especially women, are threatened by your very dominating aura. Their jealousy is not conscious, it is often in a subliminal level."

"Your eyes, if you just look at your eyes, are menacing. When you're smiling it's not apparent, but when you look like that and combine it with talking, you appear very dominating."

I would have liked to extend the conversation longer but Jc and Rommel were done taking their exams and they were urging me to leave.

Anyway, Dr. Adamos invited me to drop by his office if I have the time so we can talk about those stuff, so I will make sure to make time maybe next week. We can perhaps discuss some things that have been bothering me for quite a long time now, and maybe I'd finally unlock the secret as to why I'm not the popular type.

Perhaps the reason I find HRM appealing is because Dr. Adamos never fails to add to my knowledge. As we were talking earlier, I was constantly translating the words he was using and although there were some points I disagreed with, I think there's a lot to learn there.

My new favorite professor: Dr. Adamos ♥

Thy Will Be Done

2011-07-13T22:10:00.003+08:00

A part of my morning prayer today went: "God, Your will be done. I will bow to Your will. I may not like it now, but I trust that You have something better in store for me."

Then, despite the bus and taxi incident (scroll down for the whole rant), everything went according to my heart's desire, which made me suspicious. Was that God's will, or was it the fallen angel's lure?

To confuse me further, Dr. Abada again made the job offer that I mentioned last week. I saw her before entering the classroom and that was the first thing she mentioned upon seeing me, so she must be really serious. I asked her if she could wait till January, and she said it's urgent plus some advice on thinking about career development...

Honestly, I am tempted. Counting the pros vs. the cons, the pros outweigh the cons by far.

The pros: Higher salary, a government position and all the benefits that entails, five-day work week which I really need for my studies, travel opportunities, nearness to Philippine Star so I could visit my friends there often, and perhaps the most important thing, a job that is nearer my calling.

The cons: It's too far, I never wanted to work in government (that's why I haven't bothered to take my Civil Service exam) and I'd be leaving loose ends at my current job. The last one is actually what's holding me back mostly. And of course, gratitude and high regard for my boss, which is why I don't want to leave loose ends hanging.

Ah, dilemma. And here I thought I'd have a peaceful week.

Morning Madness

The plan last night was to commute to work today so I told Michael he can borrow my car since his is in the shop, so I was forced to commute this morning despite changing my mind. Mona woke up late so we left the house together. In my experience, it is always harder to get a ride if you're with someone and I was worried that we'd have a hard time getting a ride, but after only a few minutes, a bus with still available seats passed by. I was ecstatic because that meant a comfortable journey to work, and I could finish my rosary for yesterday.

But such happiness was shortlived. A dumbass crashed into the bus in Philcoa and we were forced to get another ride. Imagine all the people crammed in the bus vying for transportation all at once!

Stupid stupid asshole. The bus was going its steady slow pace in ITS yellow lane, when this idiot decided to merge, arrogantly assuming that the other driver would give way. BAH. That's a bus, you're driving a sedan, you imbecile! Do you think it will give way to puny you? And it is in its lane, perfectly within its right. Also, your front bumper hit its front side, and the way it tilted up showed that you're the one who crashed into it. Drivers like you should not be allowed on the streets!

Just think about it, one stupid idiot, and a lot of people (mostly students and office workers) got their lives disrupted. Somebody could've even been fired for tardiness. Tsk! Stupid people should be quarantined and not allowed to procreate!

So we took a taxi (and there goes my allowance for tomorrow), whose driver didn't want to pass through Quezon Avenue Cor. Araneta. I had to tell him firmly that no, the amount of time spent waiting in that traffic jam caused by that unnecessary construction proposed by corrupt politicians wanting a project where they could funnel funds from, is equal to the time it would take him to take the Del Monte detour.

So he grumbled, and then he deposited us in front of BPI Biak-na-Bato instead of turning INTO Biak-na-Bato as I instructed. I had to dash to the office in the hopes of making it at 8am so I could leave the office at 4:30pm, but to no avail. I arrived at 8:03am (EFFINGEFFINGPOO) >.<

Gad, if all my mornings were like that, I'd be so fit from the 75 meter run every morning but dying from hypertension.

TGIS!

2011-07-08T22:01:00.004+08:00

One more day... Dear Lord grant me the strength not to be absent tomorrow.

So tired. From class. From driving in rain-drenched Metro Manila. From lack of sleep. From a raised blood pressure because somebody isn't answering their phone. FINE. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, AND WE BOTH KNOW I'M BETTER AT IT.

Haha, childish much?

I'm tired, but I enjoyed my day.

I had to leave the office early today because I had to send money to the US. Because the transaction took more than the 30 minutes that I allotted, I was forced to drive to LPU past 3pm, and my car is banned from the major thoroughfares due to the color coding scheme. A traffic enforcer stopped me while doing a right turn into Recto, and I was going "ohshitohshitohshitoshit" because it was a lady traffic enforcer and they say those are tougher than the men, but still I nonchalantly asked why when I opened my window. She said I still went ahead when it's red for my lane already, and I told her that I initially took the turn when it was green but since a lot of students were crossing I was only able to turn when it the light turned red. She sympathetically let me go after that. I bet she hates students.

None of the traffic enforcers in both the u-turn at Isetann and Quiapo noticed me and we got to LPU with no further incident.

There, I relived my college days with Honey by eating at a wall cafe and ordering "lechon kawali." Ah, nostalgia.

After that, since I still had an hour and a half before class, I slept at the back seat of my car. Good thing I still had my pillow and blanket stashed there. That revived me enough not to fall asleep during Research Methods. That class has the award for the "Most Boring Class Ever" hands down.

We saw our professor's child before going home and JC said that the reason she seems mongoloid (I think this observation is quite harsh) is because her genes are not compatible with her husband's. That alarmed me because what if my genes aren't compatible with that of my future husband? So I questioned him if there's any way that a couple could know if their genes are compatible or not before actually begetting children, and he said there's none, but it's usually when Filipinos and Chinese interbreed. Ah. So Kaneshiro Takeshi will be crossed out from my list of possible mates, although he only has half-Chinese blood.

And before I sleep tonight, I'll leave a link I'd like to read tomorrow, when I'm less sleepy.

For Future Reading

Goodnight, and thanks for all the fish!

Busy Thursday

2011-07-07T22:14:00.009+08:00

Today was quite busy a busy one. Who knew that sending money to the US could be so complicated?

And truly, some people in the voucher- and check-getting process could really be so... Pssh, never mind! They're not worth my time.

"From all the evil that surrounds me, protect me..."

At least Ms. Sonia was pretty charming. Something she said puzzled me though. She said that somebody from upstairs has been circulating the rumor that I have resigned.

Oh no, not yet. My awesomeness still has a few more months to keep some people feeling envious, insignificant and insecure. Then I will move on to greener pastures and become great while they rot in their tiny little holes leading tiny little lives.

There's a sage advice that goes: Be like the eagle, that soars high above in the skies, alone and majestic. Do not be like the flies that cluster to the midden heap.

*************

Dr. Adamos and Shirley were still the only ones in the classroom when I arrived. After greeting them both, Sir said: "Pumayat ka, Arice."

I ♥ Dr. Adamos!

Yeey, three weeks of yogurt, Nesvita and hard-boiled egg has paid off! He's the third person who's said that I got thinner, so it must be true. A little bit more, and I'd get my ideal figure (or as near to it as I can ever get without surgery).

It was another interesting evening in school today. I really find HRM interesting, and I think I'd like to build my career there. Where I am now seems like a long lonely stretch of a dry, dusty and ash-filled (ashes of dead dreams) road which leads to a barren peak.

I'm getting maudlin again, and here I thought that my mood has greatly improved today.

I saw Sir Santos today. Too bad we couldn't have any more of those long conversations that we used to have due to time constraints. I'm so busy, working six days a week and attending classes three of those days, and he has dropped out of our classes this trimester. Our class discussions were a lot more interesting when he was there, but I guess he has more important things to do, like coordinate the Mindanao peace accord. Besides, he really doesn't need a master's degree. He's already a walking Google.

Still, since he's one of the few people I can really talk to and get sound advice from, I wish there'd be more free time to at least have a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria. Oh well, first things first, and emotional disturbances are rarely ever a priority.

OMG!

2011-07-06T19:28:00.004+08:00

Operations Management, Gah!

Currently in class, listening to my partner's report (yeah, I am the perennial multi-tasker, and yes, I so love LPU wifi).

I still have three days to go before I can post in FB (to keep a promise to myself) so I'll just keep my thoughts here. It isn't so hard, after all. Maybe next time, I'll try a month without opening FB even once. To test my self-control.

Which brings back happy memories of the time when I still had iChat and getting photos from Art like this is a daily occurence. Peaceful days. Now I can no longer stay long in my chair.

Signs are everywhere, really, and I've been ignoring them for so long.

After my report, Dr. Abada said: "Sige dear, mag-resign ka na. May item ako sa office. Pero kailangan may civil service ka para ma-regular."

I love this woman!

And, on reflection, it's good to feel appreciated and wanted outside of my inner circle. God truly blessed me the day He guided me to enroll for my master's here in LPU. I would've been feeling worse, with everything that happened lately, if not for the refreshing company of my professors and classmates every week. At least here's a place I can be my outspoken self and still have a sane conversation.

Thank You Lord!

Not to Deride My Sex, But...

2011-07-05T19:35:00.003+08:00

Appropriate Reply by J.P Morgan CEO to a Pretty Girl Seeking a Rich Husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste.

I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high.

Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.

Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty' and 'money':

Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason.

The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'.

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted.

It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.

This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me.

signed,

CEO J.P. Morgan

ARiCE says...

I highly doubt this is actually real, but there's truth in it. There are women who think that they only need to look pretty and pose languidly and a knight in shining armor will come and save them. That's the kind of mentality fostered by popular fairy tales like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and those brain-melting soap operas, and yes, the prospect of a dashing debonair who will sweep you off your feet has its charms, but it just doesn't happen in real life. However pretty a woman is. Maybe in the first stages of the relationship, everything's nice and rosy and romantic, but after the first few months, the social and intellectual differences, which were hidden by the passion of new love, show, and the relationship falls apart.

Relationships between different classes, cultures and religions are mostly destined to fail. The few that survive are the exception, not the rule.

With that said, I can now rant about my day.

Rant 1:

Holy crap, it took me two hours to get home! Usually it's just about 45 minutes from work going home. And then the bus was playing an old FPJ film where the antagonist keeps raping women -_-' Good thing I wasn't standing and my iPod was playing all my favorite songs full blast to my ears. I wasn't able to finish the rosary I started on the way to work this morning since playing loud music is distracting, but it was still better than listening to all the inanities in the movie.

Rant 2:

I have lost the fire in my veins again, and I think I'll never regain it. Life is sometimes so disappointing. But I've read that "disappointments are God's way of showing us something better," so this must be God prodding me to get moving.

And as they say, "if you're no longer happy, leave."

It's only a matter of time now.

Transformers, Sports, and Other Stuff I Deem Important

2011-07-04T22:44:00.006+08:00

We watched Transformers 3 in IMAX 3D tonight at SM West. I liked it better than Transformers 2, but I think nothing beats the original. Megan Fox's replacement was gorgeous though, so I give it an eight.

But what is special about the movie is not within the movie itself, but what was going on in my head. In the midst of all those mecha battles, some realizations dawned on me, and the impact is expected to be manifested in the following days to come.

*************

A month from now, it's sportsfest season again. This time, PRDG, Creative, PAO, QA and Pre-press combine. I kinda have doubts about being champions again, as we lost some good players due to attrition and we'd be going against some of our former teammates, but I believe that if all of us cooperated, we'd have a fair chance at it.

I've signed up for volleyball, track and field, obstacle relay, and, since no other female in the team plays table tennis, table tennis as well. Regardless of the fact that Ena of Sales was Pambansang Kampeon and Lorie of Marketing was a varsity player. I've seen them play, and knowing my table tennis skill level, I know I'm totally outclassed. The best I can hope for is beat the other two players from the other teams and rank third. And not lose through a love set. That'd be embarrassing.

So I need to practice. The table tennis (table?) here is still in good condition and I could again put it in the garage. As of the moment we only have three cars here in Manila, so there'd be space, and I'd park in the other driveway if some brat complains. As for the rackets, some genius left my two best rackets outside and let them rot, but I could easily buy another pair (not without a lot of grumbling). The only problem left is: who would I practice with? Mona comes home late and we only see each other Sundays. And I'm a better player than she is, despite her natural talent, so I won't be improving much. I NEED SOMEONE WHO IS A GOOD TABLE TENNIS PLAYER TO PRACTICE WITH! Volunteers, anyone?

I also need a volleyball court for the team to be able to practice playing with each other at least once. I hope Amoranto isn't fully booked by early August or it'd be Filinvest 2 again (and I'm still not over that Php600 I had to pay last time which we didn't even consume >.<).

All this is really ironic because I've always been the nerdy type, not sporty at all. And here I am, one of the most active members of a sports team. I'm a living testament of how people could really change. Or maybe it's the world that changed?

*************

I'm keeping away from Facebook for a few days. I noticed that I've been spending too much time waiting for notifications and concocting statuses and I don't think it's healthy anymore. FB and I need to cool off for a while, give each other some space.

I did deactivate my account last Saturday because I suspected that someone was trying to hack it, but I decided to activate it today. Some people might think that I removed them from my list if they couldn't find me in theirs (fans and all, y'know).

So I'll be blogging more often. I have to let off steam. And I believe the following days to be critical. I've found myself again, and we're going to be needing to get to know each other. Chos!

*************

Today was actually good, for a Monday. No problem arose, and Zosi and I had a good time. After so long, we finally had something that resembled a date. And everything's peaceful between us again. May and June were particularly horrible months for us. But I think we emerged stronger and better after that.

More updates soon. Sleepy.

Thoughts for Today

2011-06-29T22:10:00.004+08:00

- Naiwan ko sa bahay ang coffeemaker at ang charger ng laptop, badtrip! At least yung coffeemaker nadala ni Ate Maria, eh yung charger, nasa kwarto kong nakalock. Buti na lang andyan si Ranna. Love you, sis, mwah!

- Panira sa report card ang HBO! Siya lang ang may butal! At mas malayong mahirap ang OM kesa HBO. Huhu, paano na yan? Di na ako matutulog! Dapat perfect ko ang finals!

- Ang baba ko sa quiz, asar! Pero ako pa rin highest, so ok na rin... Kaya lang hindi perfect, musta naman ang uno ko? Mababa pa naman magbigay ng grade yung prof sa OM. Hay!

- Di natuloy ang report, sana hindi na lang ako nag-halfday sa work. Na-miss ko tuloy yung meeting. Mukhang seryoso pa naman... AT SAYANG PATI ANG KRISPY KREME. Next meeting, cheap na lang pakain namin. Sky Flakes at kape!

I got my grade in Financial Management, finally, and it surely added sparkle to my day. If I saw Dr. Iñigo today, I might have hugged him out of pure exuberance. I wonder how he'd react to that? Hmn.

Dr. Abada and I also had a discussion on what I could do to make my grade higher this trimester. She told me that the only reason I didn't get a perfect grade last trimester was because she was disappointed in our group report. She said she had high expectations of me and when the reporting wasn't that great, it affected my grade.

Well, good to know, and good thing that our report was postponed for next week. My partner wasn't prepared and mine isn't that great yet. I believe it still needs alteration to give it that jaw-dropping awesomeness that Dr. Abada seems to expect from me.

So no real dates for us till the end of August *sigh*

Wedding CD

2011-06-27T22:57:00.003+08:00

This track isn't part of our numerous songs, but I'd like to add it. It's very sweet and really hopeful.

And a song to show who's the boss *grin*

Happy 38th Months in Advance

2011-06-22T23:45:00.004+08:00

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

I was about to sleep when I read that as part of an email sent to me by a former professor and it made me go squishy all over.

Yes, May was a tough month for us. Yes, we're past two years and that's when relationships usually decline. Yes, June is an awful month for me and I barely have time to breathe, let alone have quality time with you. Yes, it's the same with you. Yes, we haven't had a real date in ages. Yes, we're not perfect.

But.

I believe, despite all the negative energies in me and my great capacity to nitpick at every flaw, that what we have is real and lasting and beautiful.

With that said, you still owe me two monthsary cards and a real date. And a weekly supply of flowers when I finally get settled in my new office. (Yes, I'm demanding, and we both know that's what makes you love me so much *evil laugh*)

Today Is Another Day

2011-06-22T05:53:00.002+08:00

Despite all the disappointments and heartaches of the past days, I'm here again, hopeful that this day is better than yesterday, that today, God will not test me, but will instead bless me.

I should keep in mind that the road to success goes uphill. That nothing great is easy to achieve. And that I should never ever quit, because everything that I've worked for could just be around the next bend and all these hardships are just to test my endurance.

So, I'm picking myself up, determined to hold my head high and smile graciously at the cold cold world.

A great morning, everyone!

I Need...

2011-06-21T17:53:00.003+08:00

Someone to talk to. Someone who will listen attentively, and then, when I've exhausted all my list of issues, give an honest assessment of the situation.

Someone to pinpoint the problem, and then suggest solutions.

An inspiration. Not necessarily a person, but something that will keep my blood burning, something that will keep me up at night and wake me up at dawn with a stream of ideas that cannot be contained.

I. Need. You. Now. Whoever, whatever, wherever you are. Now is the time that you should be here.

Lost and Cannot Be Found

2011-06-20T15:54:00.002+08:00

In the middle of my quest for at least one of my two staplers, I heard this song on the radio and I liked it. I looked for the music video and here it is. Perfect background music for the weather and for the frustration I'm feeling now.

Why is it that when we need something, it isn't there, but when we don't, it keeps getting in the way? And I can't blame my disorderly room now, because if there's anything I've achieved this long weekend, it's to organize my things.

I remember using those staplers last April, in the other room, while preparing for the trip to Pangasinan. As usual, asking turns up nothing. If I don't find one before I go to the grocery store, I'll just buy another one *sigh*

Embattled

2011-06-14T22:39:00.004+08:00

Life is testing me again, but I'm sure that after all the rains, the clouds will part and I can once more bask in the warmth of the sun's rays.

I wish that happens soon...

*************

On a brighter note, I want this!

Maybe I'll buy it tomorrow to cheer myself up. It'd look fantastic with the boots Zosi gave me for our third anniversary.

Maid of Honor

2011-06-13T22:11:00.004+08:00

I'm at that age where women get teary-eyed during weddings.

Well of course, out of happiness for the couple, but also out of sadness that some of my friends have decided to leave the easygoing single life and chose to take the heavy yoke of responsibility. Each friend that gets married means less people to share stories with, hang out with, go on vacations with.

Once they get married and have children, they're lost to the fold of jolly singles who can go party at a moment's notice. They become worrywarts and KJ's who are always in a hurry to get home because "I'm worried about my baby" or "my other half is waiting for me."

It's just sad, really really sad. I wish I can freeze time and I stay 26 forever, and all those around me stay the same. But I can't, so I suppose I have to make a choice soon-- get married or be an old maid. As I've seen real life examples of how bitter and twisted old maids get, I suppose I should resign to my fate of being wed. Darn.

On a brighter note, I now know what the responsibilities of a Maid of Honor are. I used to think they're just there to look pretty.

RESPONSIBILITIES OF A MAID OF HONOR

1. She's the lady-in-waiting of the bride, meaning, she has to make sure that the bride looks beautiful, is comfortable, that her clothes are in order. See my picture above? Yeah, that's me doing my duty.

2. She and the Best Man must get the contract signed by all the principal sponsors. It's no mean job, I tell you! I'm sticking to being a bridesmaid next time.

3. I read somewhere that she's responsible for the bridal shower as well, but since circumstances didn't allow that to happen, I'll make up for it for their first baby's shower.

*************

Monday blues.

I always have the longest patience for my friends. I seldom get mad at them. I go to great lengths to assist them. I bend backwards to keep the peace.

I guess it's wrong of me to expect the same. As A.W. said, people have different orientations, and they react to similar things differently.

But despite knowing that, I am hurt. Really hurt. That someone I consider a close friend could lash out at me like that. Oh, I understand. I've been in that situation several times. Worse even because I didn't have that kind of clout. But not once did I take it out on anyone. I brought my grievances to the ones in authority. When I lacked something, I asked for it. When the work was too heavy, I expressed my misgivings. When I couldn't do it on my own, I said so. When it's not part of my job, I refused. When I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't go to work (hah!).

As simple as that.

I guess it's part of the growing process I have to go through. Forgiveness and humility. Those are the things that I have yet to learn fully. Especially the former.

Foreboding, Etc.

2011-06-06T19:20:00.004+08:00

What's this feeling?
Suddenly a sense of doom
Pierces my breast
Or is it just the too tight
Bra I've worn all day?

***

I just had one of the most exhausting days. I had to go all the way to Pasay for the Internal Quality Audit training in PTTC. Commuting. And it was the first day of classes too!

The frustrating thing is, there's an IQA training at the office tomorrow and had I known it prior this morning, I wouldn't have bothered enrolling for the training in PTTC. Oh the breakdown of communication!

Aside from that minor irritant, it has been a good day, so far.

I was supposed to meet Zosi at MOA but he had to get Happy from the vet, so I went straight home and he'll just drop by later (PASALUBONG! \O/).

Happy was confined and was on intravenous therapy due to pneumonia for the past two days. Imagine, the vet expenses totaled Php 4k. It's like we had a kid who got sick!

But at least my baby is fine. I really must make time to visit her soon. I hope she still remembers me.

Duty calls so I must go and attend to studies and other "important" stuff.

So long my devoted fans!

Honey

2011-06-06T01:19:00.003+08:00

Oh, you beautiful child!
So sweet, so quick, so wild...
Your ways caused discord
In peaceful Eden.
Adam's wife has threatened
To kick you out
My shamed apologies
Have appeased her
Now, mark my words true
One more dire warning
And I will fail you.

Stuck on Me

2011-06-02T22:29:00.009+08:00

Gnash your teeth
You wicked hags!
This pretty face
Will stay in place.

Talk all you want
You can't hurt me.
No matter what you do
I will not go.

Yes, do sabotage.
But I won't leave
No, not just yet
Just so you'll be upset.

You yourselves bicker
One by one you dwindle.
I laugh at your antics
You crazy lunatics!

Of this I'm assured:
You will go down first
For I will not suffer
You to be the winner.

***

I have gone back to writing poems because I realized that the poet in me is nearly gone. Prepare to be sickened with silly poems about things that catch my fancy. Poems are such fun, since meanings are fluid and subject to the readers' interpretations. I'm a little rusty, so bear with me. This is after all my practice site.

***

Oh, oh, I can't resist! I must repost this:

"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day." --From Daphne's post in FB ^o^

***

Well, that's all for tonight. I wonder what I will be rhyming about tom? Hmn.

One May Day

2011-06-01T21:54:00.003+08:00

Refreshing rains,
Youthful leaves,
Fantasy spaces.
Window-gazing
A past-time again.
Lost in reveries
Deep in memories
Old or new.
Imagined or true.

Inattentively listening,
No one else sees
The sights unfolding,
The sounds thrumming.

Spring and winter meet
And dance
Endlessly.

Laughter tickles,
A secret smile.
Silly statistics,
Mean numbers
Rudely intrude.

The scene fades
To a median skew.

Resume of Writing Exercises

2011-06-01T00:36:00.002+08:00

As I've been at the office from 7am to 10:30 pm, I believe it is understandable that I only have a short poem as an offering tonight.

(untitled)

Holding tight the sea
Clutching wearily
Not daring to blink
Lest we both sink.

Wishing to be a man...
Wishing you could be one.
Three revolutions
Have left no illusions.

Now all I can say:
One December day
Will forever be away.

It's not even that polished yet, but I'll get to work more seriously when I'm a bum once more. That's soon, I think.

Tardiness and Rewards

2011-05-29T00:47:00.003+08:00

"If you always use the grace period, then it's no longer a grace period, it's a habit." -- Dr. Pompeyo Adamos, Executive Director for Administration & Human Resources Director of LPU

Our Group had a meeting with Human Resources last Wednesday to discuss the new Key Performance Initiatives and a laughable debate about last year's incentives ensued.

There's this one person who complained that she didn't get her incentive because she got suspended once for tardiness. She said that one suspension negated all her efforts. That despite being good at her job, she didn't get rewarded. She insisted that what happened to her was unfair because tardiness should not affect her performance. She went on to argue that such a rule would demotivate people from performing well once they get suspended because they know they won't get rewarded anyway.

I was silently applauding when the HR Manager pointed out that the company is already paying for the competent execution of their jobs, and that the incentive given is for outstanding performance, which includes adherence to the company's rules and regulations.

I wanted to shout "Hurray!" when our Group Manager explained that there's no chance for the people who can no longer claim their incentive to intentionally perform badly because if there's a reward for good performance, the other end of the spectrum is punishment for bad performance.

During class on Thursday, I asked our professor in Human Resource Management about the policies in most companies regarding tardiness and reward and he said that all companies he has worked with regards being on time as part of good performance. He went on to explain ruefully that it's just here in the Philippines that there's such a thing as the 15-minute grace period, which, according to him, is useless, because when there's a grace period, employees tend to add it to their pre-work time and end up coming later.

It seems a given: You do good and follow all the rules, you'd be rewarded. You break the rules, you get punished and not get rewarded. Most religions are built on that foundation. How come some people don't get it? Are they just that dumb, or do they really believe that the world would adjust to their whims if they complained loudly enough?

Migrating Soon

2011-05-15T23:45:00.002+08:00

As soon as I get enough time to begin the tedious task of editing CSS, I'll be moving my blog somewhere else.

Why?

1. Too many people know I own this blog. Even the unsavory ones.

2. I need a blog that would provide me with anonymity.

3. After two years, I think it's a good idea to begin another project.

4. I want a blog less personal and more upbeat. You know? Something that I could put on my resume.

With all that said, maybe the new blog will be up by 2012, so my stalkers still have a few months to keep on stalking me.

Highs and Lows

2011-05-15T22:55:00.004+08:00

I just had the most fabulous weekend with Dulce and Ranna.

We made tacos, drank a little, laughed a lot, shared our stories, slept together, woke up late, breakfasted on cheesedogs, gobbled a family-sized pizza for lunch, ate mango and blueberry cheesecake for dessert, played dress-up, cam-whored, binged on fries and sundae, and went to Sunday mass.

I may not be Miss Congeniality, but when I make friends, they're for life. As I said in a post here about two years ago, my prickly personality eliminates the unworthy ones by default. As a popular saying goes, if you can't stand the worst of me, you don't deserve the best of me.

As life must balance itself, so much laughter cannot be allowed without tears to counter it.

I just wish it wasn't too soon...

A Day in My Life

2011-05-12T21:40:00.000+08:00

7-8am: Woke up, showered, got dressed
8-8:20am: Drove to STI for the Excel Training
8:20-9:20am: Waited for instructor who was horribly late
9:20-11:40am: Pivot Table Discussion, MS Word Advanced Functions Discussion
11:40-11:50am: Drove to the office
11:50am-12pm: Logged in at work, asked Sir Rollie about specs for the Alive insertion
12-1pm: Lunch with Cathy at this steakhouse in Banawe
1-2pm: Printed revision of errata for Kayamanan I, discussed with Atty. about the meaning of 'content error', returned Nonconformance Report to the QA dept., answered Cath the QA's questions regarding Kayamanan I
2-3pm: Checked Atty's comments on the documents I submitted at the start of the month, discussed those, called Sir John of Sales, Clare of Planning, Len of Inventory and Sir Rollie to know how many of the insertions to Alive to order
3-3:15pm: Break
3:15-4pm: Read author's LOA for the errors in Lahing Pilipino 6 and tried to reach a decision regarding the grammatical errors
4pm: Learned that my table (the table I've had repainted and all the locks changed) has been delivered in the morning while I was at STI
4-4:15pm: Checked where table was, and then, who appropriated it
4:15-4:45pm: Waited for SAS's to come back from their meeting with Atty, made JRF for Alive 1-3, talked to Clare of Planning on the specifications, accepted copy of the quantity of the Alive ordered from an OJT from inventory, had my OJT photocopy author's LOA and errata sheet
4:45-5pm: Talked to the Education Program Head about the 'misunderstanding' about MY table, told the SPECIAL SAS that I wanted my table back
5-5:30pm: Waited for Atty.
5:30-5:45pm: Clarified mundane stuff like office space and desks
5:45-6pm: Talked to SPECIAL SAS and he confessed that he said I was bitchy when I demanded to have my table back
6-8pm: Ranted
8-8:30pm: Drove home
8:30-9pm: Checked FB
9-10pm: Watched GG S4 E21
10-10:30pm: Blogged

I think I'm bound for a serious heart ailment *sigh*

New Inspiration

2011-05-09T23:49:00.003+08:00

Last week, I felt so lethargic I nearly quit my job and run off to Pangasinan. I had to drag myself to work. The usual things that fueled my enthusiasm for my work weren't there. I felt as if everything that I was doing was an exercise in futility. I felt so down and aimless that all I could think of was quitting.

Then a villain appeared.

Suddenly, fire was running down my veins. Creative ideas started pouring out of my brain so fast I could barely write them all down.

Just like that, my world has become a more colorful and more exciting place.

Call me crazy, but if you knew my history, you'd realize that I'm one of those people who thrive in adversity. I have the will and resilience to survive in a hostile environment, but I grow soft and lazy when cosseted.

Hell, I'd have resigned from my job a long time ago if not for the fact that I didn't want to be the loser in that conflict with the three hags. My plan back in 2009 was work for a year, then be a dutiful daughter for the rest of Tatay's life. If they could have held back their jealousy for a few more months, I'd have been gone from their lives now. Read that, you fugly witches?

Oh well, too bad.

Since I've put the crones behind me and I feel nothing but an urge to laugh whenever I see any of them, the reason for me staying was gone.

Then Semirhage appears.

What better way to wake me up every morning than the prospect of putting someone's nose out of joint? A not-so-good nose to begin with, perhaps even a nose that is meant for out-of-jointing and has been out-of-joint many times, but still, the thrill it brings is more effective than an ice bucket shoved inside my underwear.

Personally, I don't care about her. If I didn't happen to work closely with her, I wouldn't care if she's incompetent, constantly late and absent during meetings. Never mind that she's a liar, warns me off perfectly decent people because of what she's heard about them, inconsiderate, abrasive, and sends weird text messages at 12 midnight about how I looked so good without makeup the afternoon prior.

I could ignore all that and go on my oblivious way if not for the fact that I have to endure her.

And I have.

Then someone told her I disliked her. And it's war.

Well, duh? She's not exactly likable with her tactless comments about people's flaws and constant excuses of being busy. I could name ten people who dislikes her intensely.

But she's not all that bad. She had, after all, returned my zest for work and made me decide to stick one more year with the company.

Mother's Day Madness

2011-05-08T01:07:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling a little bit left out with all those statuses and changed profile pics into pictures of their moms. See, I've lived most of my life without a mother that Mother's Day has never had any significance to me. (Until a few months ago I wasn't even on speaking terms with mine.)

It never mattered before, but with Facebook and all those posts I can't take part in... It's like being outside looking into a party I wasn't invited to and being thankful that I was spared the boredom and at the same time being resentful that I wasn't invited.

I've come to terms with the drama of my life. I've come to terms with my mother: who she is, and what she has done.

I'm not a forgiving person, but I think I've forgiven her. Or at least I'm not angry with her anymore.

But there are some things that are hard to forget.

One of them is the memory of a Mother's Day when I was in first year high school, I think.

Being a child with a head full of silly notions, I bought a pack of balloons marked "Happy Mother's Day" and spent quite a lot of time and breath blowing about 24 balloons. I remember those balloons. They were pink and had a picture of Disney's Sleeping Beauty on one direction and the greeting on the other. I also made macaroni salad.

She wasn't home and I thought that when she arrived she'd be pleased... But well, she wasn't. She was more than not pleased.

From that day onwards, I never celebrated Mother's Day again.

The Rice Goddess

2011-05-07T00:22:00.004+08:00

The Rice Goddess at her altar

Above is the best shot I got from our trip to Bolinao, Pangasinan last month. Courtesy of one of the best people I've ever met, Sir Ryan. Good enough for a poster, isn't it?

A Beach Wedding

2011-05-06T00:15:00.005+08:00

I'm getting married here.

I was set on a church wedding here in Manila and I had planned on checking out my shortlisted churches this year, but I fell inlove with this place. So now I'm planning on getting married at Punta Riviera in Bolinao, Pangasinan at sunset sometime in 2012. I guess this would entail less wedding guests since the trip from Manila to Bolinao takes about six hours and I bet all but my closest friends would find such a trip daunting.

Workaholic

2011-04-24T00:49:00.003+08:00

Vacation season and here I am working, making sure that everything on Monday goes without a hitch.

I went to Pangasinan on Maundy Thursday only to drive back here on Good Friday because I couldn't sit still, thinking that it's best if I'm with the team when they head to Bolinao instead of just meeting them in my hometown on the way there.

Black Saturday and still my thoughts are full of work.

This can't be healthy anymore.

Blessed Be

2011-04-15T23:39:00.006+08:00

I found a get-up that works! (Company Outing 4.8.2011)

By all rights I should be sleeping now. It's been two nights in a row that I did OT for four hours but there's this urge to write, although about nothing in particular.

Today was a day for emotional connections. It warms my heart to know that despite the best efforts of my detractors, I have found real friends in the office.

Indeed, it is through how you treat people that they will get to know you, not through the words of gossipmongers. Well, my kind of people anyway. I have no respect nor do I wish to associate with those who listen to hearsay and judge based on what they hear and not on what they observe.

I also had several flashes of inspiration today. I now know what our wedding souvenir will be. It's so unique, I bet after our wedding the idea's going to be mimicked by other couples. I won't tell yet, but I'll give a clue: It totally reflects our personalities.

I'm so excited! *grinning like an idiot*

And yes, it's going to be a church wedding. Still choosing among Manila Cathedral (too expensive), Sto. Domingo, Mt. Carmel, and... this church near Balete Drive I don't know the name of. Still plenty of time to plan and prepare.

I wonder, can I have the "to obey" part removed from my vows and transferred to the groom's? Hmn.

Well, busy day tomorrow and hectic night. I must look my best so I could be convincing in my role as the "trophy" girlfriend ^-----^v Must shave my mustache!

Summer Season

2011-04-03T23:50:00.004+08:00

It's the time for strutting on beaches again...

I remember last year, I was so excited for the company outing. Now, I feel compelled to go (by the thought that there would be a slew of pictures I wouldn't be in). It could be the hectic schedule this week-- what with the class swimming party on the eve of April 7, the company outing the next day, then the Understanding by Design (UbD) seminar on the 9th and 10th, and the reports and exam in Financial Management on the 12th-- that's making me less enthusiastic than before, or the fact that there'd be no strutting on the beach for me this time.

Having my feet and lower legs look like they'd been whipped by a sadistic boyfriend was trying enough in the colder months when I could wear pants and leggings all the time, but now that summer's here, it's torturous!

I have three swimming trips to go to this month alone and only one summer get-up that would hide my scars. Perhaps I should get tattoos on my legs saying "jellyfish sting from Palawan scars." That way people won't think that I've had some serious skin disease and it could actually be an icebreaker. Hmn...

Vanity concerns aside, I think I'm going to enjoy this summer a lot. For one, the budget for my team's trip to Pangasinan has been approved and we're going to be there on 'official business'. Two days of serious work and fun away from the office could be just what we need to boost our morale and build team camaraderie.

My first trimester in grad school would also be officially over. There will be a brief respite for me to gather my bearings and renew my energy for the next trimester. It would also give me time to focus on my projects at work.

Well, that's as far as I can write tonight, or for the entire summer. Miss Busybee Me has so much to do that writing snippets like this have to be realigned from sleeping time. If I took too much, there'd be hell to pay tomorrow. So goodnight, and thanks for all the fish!

Get It Right

2011-03-18T22:59:00.005+08:00

The anthem of my life... Ten years ago ^^ Hindi pa uso emo noon. Melancholic tawag sa mga katulad ko dati.

The Feel of Halcyon Days

2011-03-16T22:25:00.001+08:00

Things have been going on so well for quite some time now, I'm beginning to worry about what could go wrong and how disastrous it would be. It's not being pessimistic, I'm probably the most optimistic person you'll ever meet, but experience taught me that life is made up of balancing forces-- joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, life and death. It can't go on being this perfect, can it? Sooner or later the other side will catch up.

I just hope I'll be prepared for it.

Prayer Songs

2011-03-12T02:19:00.004+08:00

I had planned my event tomorrow (or rather, later today) to be a simple no-fuss affair but a co-worker told me tonight that I must start with the National Anthem and a prayer. I decided to just download a video of the National Anthem and it was easy to find one that I like. As I've noticed that videos of prayer songs are currently popular, I decided to have a prayer song too, but it turned out harder than I thought.

Here are some of the songs that I listened to:

This one is nice. The song is solemn enough and the pictures are inspiring but it is just too long. Ever been in a group prayer where the leader goes on and on and everybody starts twitching and wondering if it's going to end soon?

I love this song! It's just that, same with the first one, it is too long. I don't want to bore all my participants. I'll keep a copy of it though, who knows, someday soon I'll be active in church and I can use this in church-related seminars.

The song and the picture of Jesus on the cross reminded me of someone and one of the things I learned from him. He brought back memories of my childhood in a highly religious environment. I had forgotten how important Catholic rituals were to me. He made me remember, and that is something I am thankful for.

This one is short, but it sounds metallic, thus I don't think it will foster the right somber atmosphere.

This last one is just perfect. Short, solemn but with just the right dash of country music, and with compelling pictures. It should be enough to put everyone in a thoughtful mood.

Impromptu DAR Bonding

2011-03-07T21:20:00.004+08:00

Barbecue and isaw for dinner, yum!

It started with me being so stressed the whole day I needed an outlet at the end of it, so I asked Ranna to come to me upstairs so I could seek comfort from her soothing presence, then we talked about jogging, then we remembered to ask Dulce so we called her up, and we ended up here at my house and instead of jogging, we packed on more cholesterol.

Stress really makes me pig out *sigh* but it's a good way to end a day that started with me nearly hyperventilating as soon as I arrived at the office.

Perfect

2011-03-01T22:26:00.004+08:00

So yes. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.

--From Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

While Zosi and I were at Wendy's earlier and we were both reading Wise Man's Fear, he commented that there was a passage he highlighted because he liked it. As I was busy reading, I didn't bother to ask him what it is.

As soon as we got home, we resumed reading, and then I came across that passage above and I instinctively knew that's what he meant earlier, and it is.

It's funny and endearing and shows how much we've come to know each other.

I love you, baby (kahit na manliligaw pa lang kita ulit ngayon).

Time Out

2011-03-01T21:54:00.002+08:00

Due to my busy schedule I am taking a break (possibly a long one) from my daily writing exercises.

Actually, maybe just until I finish reading Wise Man's Fear.

For the Life of Math!

2011-02-28T21:06:00.007+08:00

As my day was winding down, I got a call from the principal of some school saying that the explanation for fractions in our math books for kinder and prep is wrong. She said that the shaded part should be the numerator and the unshaded part the denominator (I had no idea what she was talking about), and she wants the author to know about it, if possible speak with the author herself.

I called the author to ask her to call the principal so that they could discuss the matter but she flatly refused in her high-pitched spinsterish voice. When informed about the complaint, she checked the book and then adamantly refuted the customer's claim. She exclaimed, "Walang mali dito, tama ito! Sabihin mo sa customer na iyan na wala siyang alam sa math! Sabihin mo mag-enroll siya sa prep para matuto sya! Sabihin mo na yan ang sabi ko." And she went on and on in that vein.

Don't get me wrong. The author was very nice to me and she wasn't maldita or anything. It's just that she's pretty convinced of her infallibility when it comes to math and that complicates things for me.

I have checked other books and verified that the customer's complaint is valid. So what am I going to do? I can't very well tell her of the author's attitude.

I really hate math >.<

Untitled

2011-02-27T18:30:00.007+08:00

The things I like best
Are the same I hate most.
Let me be the leader
But don't make me a nagger.

They say I'm very lucky
And yes, I could be.
I've found a treasure
Heart and soul so pure.

But am I satisfied?
No, even if I tried.
It's not what I need
To constantly lead.

So as we go the third bend
Let's now let it end.

A New Level

2011-02-26T23:14:00.008+08:00

I have read that to keep progressing, there must always be discontent in one's soul.

As I have written on my previous post, lately I've noticed that I lacked enthusiasm for the things that used to bring me so much joy. Reading has lost its appeal, going to the mall has gotten boring, and eating is only done for survival's sake (I have a box of Ferrero Collection that I've barely touched and I give away most of my chocolates), not for pleasure.

It's like I'm on that stage that Julia Roberts' character was on in Eat, Love, Pray before she decided to throw everything away and go searching for happiness.

I've mentioned this state of dispassion to a friend and she commented that maybe I'm like this because now I have everything.

In some ways, she is right. The things I used to passionately wish for are already in my possession. I'm no longer drifting on a turbulent sea. I have found an anchor and a peaceful harbor. Life has gotten pleasantly dull.

But she is wrong too. There are still so many things (not necessarily tangible) that I don't have and must have to be contented.

Going back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, my Physiological, Safety, and Love/Belonging needs have been fulfilled, so now I must work on fulfilling my Esteem needs.

I've known what to do for a long time now, but I find it difficult to execute. That's one of the reasons why I'm sticking to a job that pays such a meager salary instead of accepting my father's insistent job offers.

I need to learn to keep to a routine. I need to train my body to be awake during the day and asleep at night. I need to deal with all kinds of people, not just sycophants, so that I could discover my weaknesses and strengthen my character.

So far, I believe that I'm on the right track. I'm taking steps-- small steps indeed-- but still steps forward.

There's still so much to learn, so much bad habits to discard, but I am confident that little by little, I will finally reach Self-Actualization and be the person that God meant me to be. This feeling of inertia and restless discontent I'm having now is just a sign that I'm going up another level.

Dispassion

2011-02-25T22:40:00.008+08:00

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Erik Erikson's Stages of Development

I have observed that the things that used to delight me no longer hold any appeal. Shopping gives me no pleasure anymore, I get bored of reading, and I don't have much appetite.

At what stage am I in now, with regards to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Erikson's Stages of Development?

I think I'm on the Esteem Level on Maslow's HoN and on Generativity vs. Stagnation on Erikson's SoD. That's why I'm listless and the activities I used to enjoy no longer satisfy. I need to get all the mana on this stage so I can level up and regain that thirst for life that I had so much of.

My Angel

2011-02-25T01:06:00.003+08:00

(Since I promised myself I'd post daily before I sleep, I'm copy-pasting here a poem I composed eons ago because my brain cells are just going "psszzz!" and I can't think straight anymore much less compose anything comprehensible. A note though: I'm not this emo anymore.)

It is dark, and the rain
Is falling unceasingly.
The cold is seeping
Through my bones
Like a wet blanket
Settling on my back.

Sweet beguiling lips
Smiling tenderly.
Gentle eyes
Promising warmth.
Arms invitingly open,
Offering comfort.

The storm surrounds me.
At my back
And before my eyes
A gloomy landscape.
My soul weakens
Though the will holds.

And he comes.
He’s always there.
When all hope is lost
He comes. He comes
Wings outstretched
To take me away.

Billowing cloak
of the deepest black
Partly hiding
Garments as dark
Contrasting with
Shimmery white wings.

Serenely he smiles
And beckons me
With his pale
Slender hands.
He whispers,
“Come to peace.”

In my darkest hour.
In times of great distress.
Always, he comes
Offering peace.
Always, I refuse,
Pretending strength
I don’t possess.

Something Funny and Weird

2011-02-23T21:46:00.006+08:00

Last night I vowed that I'd post here daily before I sleep, and tonight as I got home, I was wondering what to write about. I didn't want to post about my complaints about life in general because I'm on a campaign for more positivism and my day was pretty much routine so I was FB'ing while thinking of a good topic when I noticed this (particularly the part encircled in red):

My ex, who I haven't seen nor heard from for years, poked me on FB. Weird.

The funny thing is, I don't think it's him. I think it's his current girlfriend who did that.

Let me explain how I came to that conclusion.

About a week ago, for lack of anything to do (or laziness to do the things I'm supposed to do), I checked my dormant Friendster account because FB at that time was boring. Well, in Friendster, the most exciting thing is checking who viewed your profile, and lo and behold, the latest person who viewed mine was my ex. Well, he checked mine so I checked his, and a quick lookaround informed me that it's not him using that account, but his girlfriend.

The person I've had a relationship with has forgotten my existence, but his gf hasn't.

Hilarious, isn't it?

Temptation

2011-02-22T23:14:00.002+08:00

People are dropping like flies from our office. I also know of a few who are on the verge of leaving.

Some left because they couldn't stand their work anymore or because their salary package is just not enough to sustain them, what with inflation and the rocketing prices of commodities. And there are those who left because they believe that their skills are wasted here.

It has been lonely at the office lately. Gone is the lively banter and irrepressible chatter that used to fill the room.

I am quite happy with my job. I like the flexible schedule and unpressured work atmosphere. Though at times I feel as if I'm out of my depths, still, I'm learning a lot and most of my days are enjoyable.

But.

By the end of the year, most of my friends could be gone.

I have observed that people I like can't stay put in the company. I've asked those who left and those who have plans of leaving why they don't want to stay anymore, and here are the most common answers:

1. The salary sucks.
2. Working on Saturdays sucks.
3. The system sucks.
4. The work sucks.
5. The people they work with suck.

I don't have much to complain about (at this point in time), but with this exodus I'm witnessing, I'm tempted to join the procession and be a full-time student. The thought of spending most of my time in the library at school reading is most alluring.

Should I be fashionable and tender my resignation too?

The 21st Century Workplace

2011-02-21T21:51:00.009+08:00

Dr. Foreman: We hire someone unqualified, it’s just a dead weight we’d all be pulling, me especially.
Dr. Chase: You especially, why?
Dr. Foreman: What do you mean why? I’m—
Dr. Chase: What? You’re my boss or something?
Dr. Foreman: Something like.
Dr. Chase: So that’s what it is. You’re angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think that you’re on a different level to everyone else. That’s just pathetic!
Dr. Foreman: I am on a different level.
Dr. Chase: Which is reflected on what, exactly? Your title? No. Your Salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah… I think we’ve finally found it.

**********

The conversation above is so apt for those people who, because they've been in a certain position forever, think that they are above those who have just joined the organization even when they have the same position and responsibilities. They believe that tenure gives them a sort of leverage, but if you look at the organizational structure, you're just occupying the same position, have the same authority, and if you compare your salaries, you might even find yours to be higher than theirs.

In the BPO industry, I've encountered people in their twenties who hold positions such as Team Leads, Operation Managers, Trainers, and fifty-somethings who occupy entry-level positions such as Level 1 Agents. Sure, there are such things as tenured agents, but at the end of the day, they're still occupying entry-level positions and it won't amount to much if they transfer companies.

In today's corporate world, tenure is insignificant, unless one has been climbing the corporate ladder through the years. Employees who have been with the company for years and haven't changed positions are seen as deadweight, people who are being paid more for work that newly-grads, at a lesser cost, could do.

After six years and you're still occupying the same position, you'd better start thinking and take stock of yourself. Ask yourself why you haven't been promoted. Do you need to upgrade yourself and further your education? What is it that you need to do to prove to management that you're ready for more responsibility?

Spending your time putting down others is not the way to go about it. Focus more on yourself and your improvement. That way, envy will no longer gnaw at your soul when you see progress in others.

Already up for promotion? Good. Now then is the time to be productive and prove to everyone that you are indeed as good as you think you are. If you used to spend most of your working hours gossiping and meddling in the lives of others, well, you should now harness that energy into quality outputs.

The workplace of today has no place for idle hands and wagging tongues. It is for dynamic, hardworking and driven individuals who continually strive for self-improvement, not for lazy gossips whose idea of a day's hard work is staying in front of their computers playing games and chatting about the latest issue.

My Reaction

2011-02-20T00:11:00.006+08:00

GET A LIFE SO YOU DON'T SPEND ALL YOUR TIME MEDDLING IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS.

Reality check, my friend, you're not perfect, not by a long shot. Outside of your ivory tower, nobody likes you. People despise you for the things that you do.

And don't wonder why people who used to be your friends won't even look at you now. It's because you delight in tearing their characters to pieces the moment they turn their backs. Only those as evil and as insecure as you stay as your friends.

Know what? That guy you can't get over with, he regrets ever liking you. That's how abominable you are.

SmartBro Unlisurf

2011-02-17T18:01:00.007+08:00

I am actually writing this in class during the election of officers. I can do that because I availed of the Smartbro Unlisurf for one day (ugh, that sounds like an advertisement!) and I'm taking advantage of it because when I get home I won't be using it anymore. Sayang naman. In fairness, the connection's good.

V-Day Carbonara

The picture above shows the carbonara that I cooked for V-day (thanks to Justine for taking it). For a first try, I think I did well. At least, none of the people who tasted it complained.

I'm part of the group who would be doing the reporting today and I'm kinda nervous. The reporters from last week didn't finish and we had a class election, so I'm worrying that my report would be postponed again, or worse, that we'd go home at 10pm T_T

I'm hungry...

V-Day 2011

2011-02-14T01:34:00.005+08:00

Zosi's pasalubong to me from Subic

It's 1:37am and I can't sleep. If I'd known I'd have a problem sleeping, I shouldn't have sent Zosi home (his snoring usually lulls me to sleep and the sofa is way more comfortable than my bed, ironic that may be).

The ticking of the clock reminds me that I have to be up by 4:30am to cook the carbonara for our Valentine's Day Lunch Party and that I have a full week ahead. I have two reportings this week and I'm still not done with my case study for Financial Management, so I silently curse fate and the San Miguel instant coffee from Wendy's that I drank with my Seafood Marinara from TOSH earlier tonight at Trinoma Foodcourt. I now suspect that it's the 'strong' blend, the only coffee I've drunk that have ever kept me from my beloved sleep.

Weekend was boring with the exception of me painting my nails yellow. Zosi was in Subic and Saturday night was unbelievably dreary so I slept early and woke up late on Sunday. Zosi arrived late in the afternoon and we had a... pre-Valentine's date (if you can call it a date) at Trinoma. We bought the ingredients for the carbonara, had dinner at the Foodcourt because it was nearest to the grocery and we were both famished, then looked for a gift for me. I told him not to buy me anything because I didn't get him a gift but he said that I told him the same thing last year but I still had a gift for him. Hah, this year I'm telling the truth because I'm just so busy and so broke! V-day should really be on the 16th of the month, after payday!

So far, I didn't find anything I wanted, so he ended up not buying me a gift. I'm just so busy these days and I can't dress properly because of the jellyfish sting marks on my legs that I kinda lost my passion for fashion.

The dear man did buy me chocolates from Subic, though. Lots of chocolates. I have this suspicion that he's fattening me up so that I'd be attractive only to him.

Much like Puck to this girl.

But I think that's cool.

I guess I have to go back to trying to sleep. More updates later on my carbonara. I wish it'd be a hit.

Wish me luck!

A New Kind of Busy

2011-01-21T22:16:00.011+08:00

At Daphne and Archie's wedding

2011 started off with me barely having enough time to catch my breath. There's so much to do, so little time. Maybe I should give up the hobby that is sleep.

Last weekend I was in Zambales to attend Daphne and Archie's wedding. It was tiring because I was the driver, but I met new people and had fun with them. Too bad I wasn't able to attend the reception because I had to rush back to Manila.

I've been to school for two weeks now and so far, I am enjoying it. The professors are inspiring, the classmates are interesting (we have two septuagenarians, one a general and the other a veteran news reporter who has been with Associated Press, Time Magazine and a whole lot more), and the subjects are useful to my current work.

Enrolling in that class was really heaven-sent. It was like God had a direct hand in the events that took place. I had other plans, and then things conspired to make me consider the idea, and here I am, finding that enthusiasm and excitement that I fear I have lost in the drudgery that is adult life.

Work has been lighter, with the help of my OJT, Ruby. I am not as mired in the making of Summary of Corrections as I was back in August 2010 so I could focus more on planning and thinking of ways of improving my work processes, but there is only so much I can delegate to her.

Good thing that Tatay came to Manila last Tuesday or we wouldn't see each other till I go home to Pangasinan in February. I barely spend time with my nieces and I haven't seen my sister since last December.

The only friends I see nowadays are those from work because we just couldn't find the time to meet. I guess there won't be much bonding with my non-work friends till the end of 2012. Hopefully they'd still remember me or I'd be short of bridesmaids for my wedding.

Quality time with Zosi has also dramatically decreased since he's busy too now that he has more responsibilities at work and can't always adapt to my schedule (and whims).

I can feel the pressure, and I know that this is just the beginning, and I can foresee the difficulties ahead, but I also know that I will be having the time of my life.

More work? Weekly Written Observations? Unending research? Case studies? Familial obligations? Bonding with friends? Bring it on!

Happy 2011!

2011-01-01T03:48:00.003+08:00

Best New Year's Eve photo

And so we are on the threshold of a new year.

I wonder what this year has in store for me... 2010 has been a rollercoaster ride. It was both exhilarating and frustrating, filled with happy surprises and depressing accidents. I met amazing people and became friends with them. I got stung by two box jellies and has suffered greatly from it. Still, it was a year to be grateful for, I just wish the last part didn't happen and I don't have to spend most of 2011 wearing leggings.

I read in one of those horoscopes forecasting the whole year that this year is good for career, romance and finances for Librans like me. Not for travel from December 3 to 14 though, incidentally including the same dates I went to Palawan in 2010, because I'd be prone to accidents (I should have consulted my horoscope last year!). And that bolstered my confidence, since I'm not planning to do any traveling for the next two years.

I foresee 2011 to be a very hectic year for me, but strangely enough (or not so strange, knowing myself) I feel excited. Besides, the problem that I was worrying about has been solved last December 23, so that leaves me with a new world, new opportunities, possibly new friends, with none of the anxieties that I expected. It's a beautiful beautiful world!

Now all I have to do is avoid jellyfishes for this year to be as perfect as it could get. Happy New Year everyone!

Best Shots of ME in Coron, Palawan

2010-12-21T21:03:00.006+08:00

Yeah, I'm self-absorbed, sue me. But I believe that's better than obsessing over the lives of others.

This is actually my favorite shot of all. I wish I'm wearing a gown here.

Pitcher plant!

I look so saintly here ^o^

Free spirit?

Solid Four feet pose

The start of Day Three adventure.

Feeling so girly in this dress.

Showing off my sexy back :P

Still pretty despite the jellyfish sting.

My 2010 Christmas Wish List

2010-11-29T21:23:00.007+08:00

Well, supposing that I could have whatever I want, the following are what I'd like to receive this Christmas:

My very own fairytale castle :)

I want the Ipod Nanno instead of the Ipod Touch because this has a radio. It should be pink, of course.

So that I won't have a reason not to jog.

For my hobby.

My bikes are no longer rideable because some idiots rode on them with the tires flat, so I need a new one for toning my butt.

An opal ring, as it is my birthstone. Could work as an engagement ring too *hint hint*

For those who'd like to buy this, here's the website:
http://www.mysears.com/Black-Hills-Gold-Tricolor-10K-Gold-Ladies-Antiqued-Opal-Ring--326923-reviews?b=1

A bean bag this big for the office. But in pink.

Chace Crawford as my da'covale ^o^

I've always dreamed of having my own sports car.

But I'm willing to settle for this baby, as long as I get to keep my old car too.

And if it's just not possible to give me any of these, I'm really appreciative of whatever you could give me as long as it's from the heart, even still dripping with blood. As I am a certified bookworm, you can always give me a book, as long as I don't have it yet. The following books are ones I'd really like to have:

It hasn't been released yet, but if you could procure it for me NOW, you'd have my eternal gratitude.

This one's already in the market, and I've read the e-book too. I just want to have the book as I'm collecting the whole series.

This has been released last September, iirc. It should be available now.

So there, please don't ask me anymore what I want for Christmas. And if you can't get anything on my wish list, a dress or any accessory is always a good bet with me.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

We Won!

2010-11-25T22:18:00.004+08:00

Four Sets, 3-1. Same with the male volleyball team.

If our bowling and basketball teams win as well, Yellow gets to be the champions yeey!

Dear Fans

2010-11-11T22:20:00.006+08:00

I'm so happy to inform you that my life is going so well. I have found true friends despite the best efforts of my enemies to alienate me from those around me. I am currently enjoying my job, and my boss is the greatest. I have a boyfriend who loves, supports, spoils, and best of all, accepts all of me. And, as if that isn't enough already, I also have a family who's ready to give me a better-paying job if I ever get tired of what I do now.

I am well and truly blessed, and there's nothing that could put me down for long.

I admit, there were times in the recent past that I let the machinations of some hideous people (and I don't just mean how they look, although that's true too) affect me, but looking back, I now see that without them and their bullying, I wouldn't be where I am now. I would have been content stuck in the same rut they are in.

With this realization comes the decision to just ignore and never let anything, whatever it is they do, affect me negatively. So now, I just find their antics amusing. It is definitely funny knowing that they add traffic to my blog, and follow my activities on the Walls of common friends on Facebook. Sadly for them, the Block feature on FB makes it oh so easy to rob them of the little fun they have in their sad unfulfilling lives. I feel sorry for them, because I know how much they'd feel better about themselves if they can get under my skin, but I have a rule of not letting ugly people catch even just a glimpse of my paradise. Rules are rules, after all.

That's all, dearest fans of mine. I hope you find as much delight in reading this as much as I did writing it.

Stay tuned to my colorful life.

xoxo

You know you love me.

A Drop of Inspiration

2010-11-04T22:41:00.006+08:00

The day after a bad day, during which I again observed how those ugly creatures enliven their pathetic little lives by obsessing over mine (they even read my blog), a friend tagged me in a note written by Adrian Tan for a convocation ceremony, author of The Teenage Textbook. A part of it goes...

BE HATED.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

******

Well, my thoughts exactly.

Marriage and I

2010-11-02T23:39:00.003+08:00

A phone conversation with my father the day after my birthday:

Me (upon answering the phone): O 'tay, bakit po?
Tatay: Wala naman. Hinahanap lang kita. Nasaan ka ba?
Me: Office po.
Tatay: Ah ganun. Sabi ni Katkat nasa bahay daw yung boyplen mo kagabi.
Me: Opo nga. Di ba nga, sabi ko punta ka sa birthday ko at ipapakilala kita.
Tatay: Eh maraming ginagawa eh, alam mo namang binaha yung bukid natin.
Me: Eh ba't sila Kuya Atong at Ate Eva, pumunta? Di sana sumama ka.
Tatay: Hindi ko alam na pupunta sila eh. Kung alam ko ba di sumama ako. Gwapo ba yang boyplen mo?
Me: Syempre hindi, wala namang gwapo sa'yo eh.
Tatay: Baka naman mukhang unggo yan. Kay Bautista ka na lang, gwapo na negosyante pa.
Me: Ayoko nga dun!
Tatay: Eh kelan ba kayo magpapakasal ng boyplen mo?
Me: 2012 po.
Tatay: Katagal naman, aba'y bakit?
Me: Wala pa kaming pera eh.
Tatay: Sino ba sa mga kapatid mo ang may sariling pera nung magpakasal? Lahat naman ng pera nila galing sa akin.
Me: Si... Marissa.
Tatay: Hinde! Si Marissa, binigyan ko ng tatlong daang libo noong magpakasal. Bibigyan din kita pag ikakasal ka na.
Me: Pwede bang bigyan mo na lang ako kahit hindi ako magpakasal?
Tatay: Ay hindi... Aanhin mo ang pera? Magpakasal ka muna at saka kita bibigyan.

Make that five million, and I just might get tempted to hyphenate my name ASAP. One million for the wedding, and the other four to put in the bank to garner an interest of about 40k monthly. And oh, he should throw in a house and lot somewhere in Quezon City as a wedding present too, then I might just might throw away my reservations regarding marriage.

Eventually, Zosi and I will get married. We've even come to the point that we have names for our future kids (Azrael and Zoriel), but not now. I still have the maturity of a 20-year-old and I'm just not ready for it yet.

3 Days of 28

2010-10-24T12:48:00.008+08:00

Party at the office (10.21.2010, 12noon)

Flowers Zosi gave to me

Unplanned overnight with Ranna and Dulce (Day 1)

Videoke at Timezone, TechnoHub with Ranna and Dulce (10.22.2010)

Me, puyat

Inuman at Bill's Burger (10.23.2010)

A wonderful three days with friends and family!

Life may have had its ups and downs, but along the way, I've managed to find amazing people who give me support when the going gets tough and who rejoice with me wholeheartedly during moments of triumph.

There are still many things that life will teach me, there will be occasions for great celebration, and there will be times when my heart will break and my soul will be filled with doubt, but with God, and my family and friends on my side, it will be a wondrous journey.

Unused Talents

2010-09-22T02:33:00.009+08:00

I've gone over my past written works last week as there was a need to compile them and I realized something--I'm GOOD. I've got what it takes to be a great writer.

And I haven't written anything worth bragging about since 2005. I have some poems and blog posts that I can judge as impressive, but I regard those as mere doodles compared to paintings.

I'm a good artist too, just out of practice. Heaven knows when was the last time I did something creative. I don't even sketch anymore. The last time I painted was... 2004, I think. I have a box of unopened watercolor that have hardened.

I used to draw, paint, write stories, do something creative all the time, what happened? Zosi said that it's because before 2005 I didn't have a bf, thus I didn't have an outlet, that's why I wrote more then. Could be.

Or maybe this is what being a responsible adult is. I did use to take my studies for granted to spend more time in my creative pursuits. Now, I can't afford to do that.

So after reading what I wrote years ago, I realized how I've been neglecting a great talent bestowed on me.

It was a series of mistakes that lead to this. One, I was conditioned from childhood to take up law, thus I took Political Science then Journalism, instead of something artsy like Fashion Design or Literature. Two, I joined the Debate Team at school, and with all the practice and research and organizing that involved, I neglected my artistic side. It was fun though. Three, I got jobs that are gazillion miles away from my inclinations. And finally, I am too contented where I am now to shift to something that I don't have much experience in.

Hopefully, when my new blog is up and running, and when things slow down a bit at work, I'd be able to write more. About drawing and painting, well, maybe a few years from now I'd pick those again.

I Need a Double Dose of Patience

2010-06-28T18:27:00.006+08:00

I have this friend whose younger brother hit her repeatedly last week. I keep telling her to tell her parents, but she refuses, saying such garbage that he'd be kicked out of the house if she did that, that she leaves him to God's mercy, that despite everything, he's still her brother. Hell! He deserves to be kicked out of the house for what he's done, and as for God's mercy, I quote Terry Goodkind, "mercy is a device contrived by the wicked to escape justice." And that's why there are human laws, because we can't always hope for the heavens to intervene in our affairs. The "bahala na ang Diyos" attitude is really BS.

Because of what happened, she went on drinking again last Saturday, despite the fact that it's bad for her because she has kidney stones and the pain on her side worsens after she's been drinking.

She says that she just wants to leave their house, she doesn't want to see him because he acts as if nothing happened, that she doesn't care what happens to her.

Then this afternoon, she had the gall to sms me and tell me that she's drunk and she's been drinking vodka because she's depressed over what happened! The hell! If she just told her parents, then something would be done over her beast of a brother! What she's doing is self-destructing, and is that solving anything? Is it making her brother feel bad about what he did?

I just can't believe how stupid people could get! And I don't have patience with people who act like fools when I know they're not, people who act helplessly just so they could gain the sympathy of others, if nothing else.

So I blew up. I told her if she wants to ruin her life, and since she's ignoring all my advice anyway, then I'll let her be.

The other night, I had something similar happen with somebody close to me. (Gad, I am surrounded by fools!) She called me up crying. She usually does. Over the past months, she'd do that. She'd tell me her problems, and she'd tell me the solutions, and I'd agree. Then she won't do it, and she'd come crying to me again, and I'd ask her why she didn't do it, and she'd act all helpless, as if she's not a grown up woman with a very high level of education, and she'd tell me she didn't have a choice. Then she'd make up her mind. Then she'd changed it. Then she'd come to me crying again.

The other night, I was in a very foul mood. My period was near, in fact, I had it yesterday, and usually, during those times, my temper is really really short. I had a bad day. I wanted nothing but to go sleep, and there goes her sms imploring me to answer her call.

She was crying again. About the same old thing. That same old thing that forces me now to take responsibility of her, something that I have done since I was young and have thought is over. It's the same old thing, and she knew what to do, didn't do, and now she wants to do it when it's too late.

I tried. I honestly tried not to react. But I was PMS'ing. And when she acted like she can't do anything, that she's weak, that she can't decide on something as simple as meeting me or not, I blew it. I told her to shape up. I told her she doesn't have the right to act like a victim because she isn't, that everything's her choice, that she's old and she should act her age.

I guess I hurt her. And I feel guilty. I feel bad that I can't reign my temper long enough to listen to her blabber how badly she's done everything, how she's a disappointment blah blah. She isn't, btw. If there's anybody who should act like that, it should be me. That's my role as the black sheep.

I just can't suffer fools gladly, especially when they're so close to my heart. If they're nothing to me, what do I care? I just get so mad that they're destroying themselves when there's so much beauty in life, when there's so much out there to rejoice for. Why can't they see past their hurts and dark emotions and fears and see that everyday is a blessing?

I know it's up to me to show them how to appreciate life, but to do that, I must have patience. And that's not something I am overflowing with.

The Issue at Don Enrique Heights, Quezon City

2010-06-13T21:54:00.002+08:00

I am posting this open letter here from the Christian Academy of Quezon City as a show of support to them, and to show my contempt to the high-handed actions of the DEHHA administration.

AN OPEN LETTER to all Homeowners, Residents, and Members of the DEHHA

This is in response to the open letter signed by Mr. Alfonso S. Nepomuceno, explaining the actions of the DEHHA Board against our school’s constituents yesterday, June 11, which inevitably affected and inconvenienced you all. All this time, we have remained quiet despite the accusations and rumors that have been circulated about our institution. But after the traumatic ordeal our students, parents, and staff endured, as well as the biased story aired by a major news network last night, we believe that it is time for us to speak up and defend our good name.

First, complaints for grave coercion have been filed against the security guards, Mr. Nepomuceno, and Mr. Pearlito Garcia at Q.C. Police Station 6, Batasan Hills because they prevented our school’s students, parents, and staff from entering the subdivision, the streets of which have already been donated to the city years ago. The security guards who have been ordered by Mr. Nepomuceno were arrested. City Ordinances Nos. SP-840-S99 and SP-946-S2000 clearly prohibit the closing, obstructing, preventing or, otherwise, refusing to the public or vehicular traffic, the use of or free access to any subdivision or community street within the jurisdiction of Quezon City. What Messr. Nepomuceno and Garcia ordered the guards to do was illegal, which was why the law enforcers from Police Station 6 and the Quezon City Hall had to act on our behalf. Mr. Nepomuceno has said on national TV last night that he intends to do the same thing on Tuesday, June 15.

Second, in March 2009, we received a copy of the Board Resolution of DEHHA in 2008 (No. 2008-12-1), which “strictly prohibits commercial establishments and schools in our subdivision.” Back then, we wondered why they issued such a prohibition after we had been operating in Don Enrique for six years. When our School Board met with the DEHHA Board on May 12, 2009 as a response to the said Resolution, the DEHHA Board could not present a single written complaint against our school regarding noise, traffic, security, etc. Such prohibition must be considered null and void for two reasons: 1) According to the legal principle of Estoppel, a Resolution may not have a retroactive effect, and therefore, our school cannot be covered by it; and 2) since the Housing and Land Use Regulatory Board (HLURB) has already ruled that the term of the incumbent DEHHA Board Members has expired as early as December of 2006 and are only on a hold-over capacity, they do not have the authority or right to continue making Resolutions of any kind.

Despite our knowledge that the term of the DEHHA Board has expired, as cooperative members of the community we have been paying our monthly dues on time. We are appalled why they say they do not want our school but continue to receive our payments, issue receipts, and even receive donations for projects like the construction of the sidewalks and security guard house – the very place where our students and staff were coerced yesterday.

Third, Cornerstone Christian Academy of Quezon City, Inc. is not an illegal educational institution. We are registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission. We have had permits from the Department of Education for our preschool, elementary, and high school departments ever since we started, and recently, we have been given Recognition for both elementary and high school departments because we have raised our academic standards and quality of education. The Q.C. Government has always given us locational clearances and business permits since 2003 for the school that we have been operating in the facilities of Cornerstone Community Baptist Church at #5 Don Jose St. It is true that from a handful of students in 2003, our school population had grown through the years, so that in 2006 we had to purchase the lot across the church and began plans about building a structure in 2008. Up to that time, the DEHHA Board or any homeowner had not filed any formal complaint against us with the City Government. It was only when we started to put up the residential structure on #10 Don Jose St. that we encountered written opposition from the DEHHA Board in the form of a Resolution. We would like to clarify that: 1) We did not misrepresent or deceive anyone with our building plans because Mr. Nepomuceno was told we would use the house for our school when he signed the permit to construct the structure. 2) The City Government was informed through a letter dated February 2008 that we would be using the house for our school as a temporary solution for the additional space we needed to decongest our facility due to our financial limitations, until we could buy time to raise bigger funds to transfer to another location. It was only when the DEHHA filed a formal complaint in June 2009 against our presence in an R1 zone that the Q.C. Government inspected our facilities and informed us that we could no longer be given locational clearance and business permit. When we sought advice from the City Government, we learned that the law has provision for the application of a Certificate of Exemption from the zoning ordinance. In the letter dated July 2009 from the City Planning and Development Office, DEHHA was informed that our school was currently applying for a Certificate of Exemption from the City Council, which has the exclusive authority to grant such petitions. Our petition for Exemption was granted by City Council in its 82nd Regular Session in March 2010 (Resolution No. SP-4873, S-2010). Hence, we have the legal right to continue operating in #5 and #10 Don Jose St.

When we filed a complaint with the Department of Public Order and Safety (DPOS) of the City Government against the DEHHA for preventing one of our employees from entering the subdivision last May 21, 2010, their officials paid Mr. Nepomuceno a visit last Thursday, June 3. They showed him our documents, including the Certificate of Exemption, and warned him that if he will order the guards at the gate to prevent entry to anyone, it would be an illegal act. In spite of this, Mr. Nepomuceno padlocked the gates at Commonwealth and ordered the guards to prevent students, parents, and staff from entering yesterday.

Fourth, Cornerstone Academy is not a threat to your security. In fact, we are serving the community already by providing quality Christian education to regular and special students, a number of whom are residents. We believe that whatever inconvenience you may experience by our presence in Don Jose may be easily addressed through peaceful dialogues. We have tried to peacefully and amicably settle with the DEHHA Board in the form of a compromise agreement dated November 2009; however, they rejected our offer. The City Government and the DepEd advised us that we are not the only school operating inside a private subdivision, and most parties have settled many such disputes amicably. They are the government agencies that have the authority to shut us down – not any Homeowners Association, not even the HLURB.

Dear fellow homeowners, we stand by our rights as citizens and we implore you not to support the illegal actions being taken by the DEHHA Board against our institution.

Very truly yours,

CORNERSTONE CHRISTIAN ACADEMY OF Q.C.
#5 and #10 Don Jose St.

The Devil May Obstruct Me, But God Is with Me

2010-06-05T16:52:00.008+08:00

I left work early to attend the Lectors and Commentators Ministry orientation/screening this afternoon. I thought I'd just attend that orientation and then all's set, I can serve during masses.

I thought wrong.

There were so many hurdles that if I were in a bad mood today, I might have just walked out of there.

First, I have to obtain permission from my parish priest to serve at the Saint Peter's Parish. What? Isn't St. Peter my parish? I've been attending masses there since it was constructed sometime in 1999! They said that my parish is this church somewhere in Don Antonio in which I've never even set foot to! Ridiculous!

I just wanted to serve, why can't I serve wherever I wish to? Why do I have to ask the permission of a person I haven't met? And why is a church I've never been to my parish? Aren't I suppose to choose where my parish is? Arggh, this is why so many people are leaving the Catholic Church! It's ridden with redtape!

Ok, so I thought, after my private rantings to myself, it's nothing I can do anything about so I might just as well go to that church and have the priest there sign the permission letter.

Then they gave us the requirements before we can be accepted.

1. We have to give a photocopy of our baptismal and confirmation certificates.

I don't have those with me, and as far as I know, I was baptized in Camiling, where the church was burned down 10 years ago. As to the confirmation certificate, at that point, I couldn't remember if I was confirmed or not. One of the ladies facilitating the orientation/screening said that we could have a confirmation at the Quiapo Church since they have confirmations every Saturdays, and one also said that we could just bring the confirmation letter since we couldn't be confirmed anyway without having been baptized, so I resolved to be confirmed/reconfirmed next Saturday.

I also texted Ate Karen asking about my confirmation and she said she'd text Mama about it. A few minutes later, she texted telling me that I was confirmed at St. Raymund's Parish in Mangatarem. So, problem solved. I could get the certificate when I go there for Tatay's birthday. Requirement fulfilled.

2. 1x1 ID pictures. Easy enough, but still, I didn't expect to encounter any of these.

Then we were asked to read the first and second reading of a misalette, and after that they gave us their evaluations and comments. We were all scheduled for the training, which brings the worst setback of all. Yeah, I'm sighing >.<

The training is scheduled on three consecutive Saturdays: June 19, June 26 and July 4. AT 2PM! *sighsighsigh*

I told them that I have work from 7am to 4pm and if it's ok to be late. One of the ladies wanted to change the schedule to 5pm, and I was hopeful, but they couldn't change the schedule for just one person, could they? So they're thinking of setting a one-on-one training for me, but one of the ladies is set against it (I detected a kind of conflict between the two ladies), and they finally resolved to forward my application to the next batch.

I'm thinking of doing undertime for those three Saturdays, after all, God first before everything else, but I'm pretty sure God is more understanding than the demands of my work, so I might just have to wait. Maybe it's not my time yet to serve.

Anyway, come what may, I intend to serve. If not now, then soon. I'm sure God won't let the devil stop me for too long. Maybe there's a reason why this isn't possible now. Perhaps I can serve better at this point by concentrating on my work. Well, everything in its own time, and I'm pretty sure God has His plans for me.

Song for Dulce from the BDPAO Ladies

2010-05-26T20:32:00.002+08:00

Hay Dulce, we're going to miss you terribly. I won't be at the third floor as much as before, baka maluha ako pag nasilip ko table mo na iba na nakaupo everytime mapadaan ako.

A Song for Ate Karen

2010-05-26T20:24:00.002+08:00

Sana lang nagbabasa s'ya ng blog ko.

2am

2010-05-26T03:07:00.002+08:00

I woke up at 2am after jumbled dreams of all the stuff I need to do. There were images in my head of the people I work with and it felt like I wasn't sleeping but rather, that I was thinking about all those things.

I slept at 10pm, and normally, I'd wake up at 5:45am, or later if it's a Sunday. Sleep is my one great addiction (coffee and reading only come at third and second), and I can't seem to get enough of it. It's always a battle of wills to pry me from my bed in the mornings. And I usually need 8 hours of sleep to function properly.

But now, after a mere 4 hours of sleep, I'm wide awake and worrying about the gazillion things waiting for my attention.

Is this a sign of stress? So soon?

But yeah, I guess. For the past two weeks or so, I've been doing two jobs--TRANSITION--that's what they call it. And on top of that, I caught the virus going around the workplace and spent my weekend bedridden.

So this must be stress.

Well, if stress makes waking me up in the morning easier, I guess it's good for me. (As they say, everything depends on perspective.)

Dulce Mi Amiga

2010-05-16T10:24:00.003+08:00

Dulce is the sweetest girl I've ever met. She's even sweeter than I am on my sweetest mode. I have a theory that she learned that the meaning of her name is "sweet" when she was three years old and has been practicing on how to be sweet since then, so she out-sweets everyone she meets ^o^

I also consider her as my lucky charm. Things started turning for the better eversince we got close. She's one of those elements in my life that I thank God for everyday. She never fails to make me laugh and smile even when there are so many things (or people) irritating the hell out of me.

I'm sad she's leaving, but I am pretty confident that despite not seeing each other every day, our friendship would still grow and prosper.

The Devil I know Or the Devil I don't Know

2010-05-12T18:58:00.002+08:00

It was a very difficult decision for me. Up to the very last moment I was leaning towards the jump into the abyss down to the unknown. And talking to that beautiful woman (and I don't mean just physically here), God, I was so inspired I wanted to learn all there is about her craft. She is a goddess! She exudes intelligence and capability, and despite her standing, wealth and achievements, she still managed to be warm, kind and friendly. There was no arrogance in her nor any haughtiness, and when she talked and gave me advice, I was mesmerized. Truly, there sat before me a great person. I wish I had a sister like her (not that I don't appreciate my sisters, they're great too, not just in that magnetic awe-inspiring way).

I wanted to, with all my heart, work with her, but logic dictates that I should choose otherwise. Sure, the work is great and I'm going to learn a lot, but according to the grapevine, I'd be encountering several people who would make my life hell if I went there. I've just been through that for the past couple of months, and I know how dissatisfying a job could get if you don't like the people you're working with.

At least, with my choice, I'd be working on my own most of the time. No banging of cabinet doors and drawers to greet me every morning, no parinig, no aircondition aimed purposely at my back, no complaints when I play my music the whole day, no loudmouths who are inconsiderate of other people when they're talking incessantly that the workplace seems like a marketplace but are grossly sensitive when it's me making the noise, nobody interpreting my every move negatively, nobody being so unfairly biased against me.

Oh yes, it's going to be tough work. Oh yes, it won't be as exciting as the other one. Oh yes, I might alienate a few people because of the duties of the job, but at least they won't be sitting at my back, spitting venom at my direction every now and then.

I may not be working with such a fabulous creature, but at least I'd be working in peace. I may just disappoint her anyway when other people start demotivating me.

So... Wish me luck and pray hard for me. I've cast the die and chosen my path. May the devil I've chosen be the lesser one. And the more satisfying.

The Resistance by Muse

2010-04-30T21:04:00.002+08:00

I love the intro and the instrumentals of this song! It makes me want to play the piano, hearing the piano sound on this song. Music like this makes me wish I'm a bit more talented musically.

Not Like the Movies

2010-04-25T22:43:00.004+08:00

As we were leaving SM West, this song played on the radio and I commented to my husband-to-be that I liked it and that it's Miley (although I was wondering because the voice sounded different). I resolved to Google it when I get home, and I did just that, and to my surprise, it's KC Concepcion. I was never a fan (I'm never a fan of anyone other than Terry Pratchett, Robert Jordan and Paulo Coelho), but I adore this song!

To all emos out there, this song's for you!

Murphy’s Law and Manny Villar

2010-04-18T08:15:00.004+08:00

(Again, for the lack of time to compose something original, I am posting something here that was sent to me via my email and was written by Greg. B Macabenta.)

There’s an axiom in advertising that says, a great campaign can expose a bad product faster -- because it persuades people to try the product sooner and to find out how bad it is. It looks like this axiom is being proven true in the case of would-be-president- of-the-poor Manny Villar.One of my closest friends in advertising created Villar’s OFW commercials when he was just beginning to water the seeds of his presidential campaign. Apparently, the creative strategy worked, because Villar began to close the gap with VP Noli de Castro who, at the time, appeared to be formidable as a "presidentiable" in all the public opinion surveys.

But on one of my visits to Manila, I learned that my pal had quit on Villar. Apparently, he didn’t appreciate the way Villar had hired a host of creative consultants and political advisers, armed with a variety of bright ideas that violated the cardinal rule for an effective campaign, namely, single-mindedness.

At any rate, Villar apparently listened to his new creative brain trust and, together, they came up with some very impressive commercials, based on some very bold claims, expressed in very memorable language.

To solidify Villar’s positioning as the "champion of the poor," they concocted the line, "Nanggaling sa hirap. Tumutulong sa mahihirap." (From the poor. Helping the poor.)

To portray him as the role model for the upward-striving masses, they attributed his rise "from poor boy to billionaire" to "Sipag at Tiyaga." Industriousness and diligence. Yes, indeed, what better formula for success?

And to really, truly, effectively, dramatically, and memorably drive home the point, they created the gems: "Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?" (Have you ever bathed in a sea of garbage?) and "Nakaranas na ba kayong...mamatayan ng kapatid dahil wala kang perang pampagamot, wala ka namang magawa?" (Have you experienced the death of a sibling because you had no money for medicine and you could do nothing about it?)

No soap opera writer could have spun greater tearjerkers.

And that was not all. Armed with such fantastic creatives, Villar decided to make sure that every man, woman, and child in every corner of the archipelago would have an opportunity to see these products of communications and creative brilliance.

"Pour it on," Villar must have ordered his media buyers. "Saturate Wowwowwee. Tell Revillame to raffle off houses and bundles of cash. Shoot a Dolphy testimonial. Ask Pacquiao to sing a jingle."

And Villar must have added: "And do a pool of commercials starring me -- the poor boy who made good -- surrounded by the people I love. The POOR!!!"

Strangely, the one campaign theme that Villar’s creative and political consultants did not touch was the most obvious, for someone desiring to replace Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: what he would do about the much-reviled Arroyo upon assuming office. While his rivals all vowed to throw the book at her, Villar said nary a nasty word.

And so, the Villar armada blitzed the media. And, as expected, his poll numbers went up and up and up until he came up to a statistical dead heat with Noynoy Aquino.

But then, in the cruelest traditions of Murphy’s law (If something can go wrong, it will), things began to unravel.

Villar’s Senate colleagues pursued accusations against him of using his power and influence as speaker of the House of Representatives and as Senate president to provide undue advantages to his business interests. Among others, the C-5 extension public works project translated into billions drained from the national coffers and poured into Villar’s bank account.

Some nasty punster then came up with an alternative to "Sipag at Tiyaga" -- "C5 at Taga." The last word being a Tagalog idiom for an illicit profit.

Then other punsters went to town, creating funny versions of his "bathing in garbage" story and the one about being so poor, his brother died from lack of medicine.

Some digging into Villar’s background exposed these stories as the product of a copywriter’s over-imaginative mind. That, by itself, violated a cardinal rule in advertising: Make sure your puffery can be supported by facts.

Then stories of land-grabbing and questionable get-rich-quick schemes began to surface. And all Villar and his apologists could do was to dismiss the accusations as "politically motivated."

And for the coup de grace, another punster added two and two together -- namely, Villar and Arroyo -- and concocted the name, Villarroyo. And for the final flourish, they changed his name to Money. MONEY VILLARROYO.

As if that was not enough, the law of unintended consequences has come into play. Villar’s billions in media spending has begun to bother the simple minded masses. "How does he expect to recoup all of that investment?? ?" they have now begun to ask.

If you know something about communications jujitsu or the technique of using your opponents strength against him, then you must agree that this is exactly what has been inflicted on Manny Villar.

The latest SWS survey tells us that Noynoy Aquino, who has not been spending as much as Villar, has surged ahead with a 9-point spread, caused mainly by a significant dive in Villar’s poll ratings. Another survey, this time by Manila Standard, shows an even bigger spread of Aquino: 13 points.

In the face of all these, what are Villar’s options?

OPTION ONE: Fire his creative brain trust. In fact, burn them on a stake for not allowing facts to get in the way of their fiction.

The trouble with that is, Villar can’t be sure that the replacement will be better. In fact, at this stage of the campaign, all the creative brains-for-hire in Manila are already busy on the campaigns of other candidates.

OPTION TWO: Fire the columnists, newscasters, and commentators in the Villar payroll. Apparently, these folks have lost all credibility and anything they say FOR Villar is taken AGAINST him by the public.

The trouble with that is, these AC-DC journalists (attack-and- collect, defend-and-collect) will probably be merrily writing for another batch of presidential candidates the next day. Maybe, Villar should just pay them to STOP WRITING and STOP TALKING.

OPTION THREE: Ressurect Garci and Lintang Bedol and bring back the Hamburjer Man into the Comelec.

Of course, there is a FOURTH OPTION, which Villar may not fully appreciate. And this is the possibility that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo may have been stringing him along and really has no intentions of handing over the presidency to him. There is a Tagalog phrase for that: "Ginigisa sa sariling mantika." (Frying him in his own lard).

Meanwhile, to revive his spirits, Villar may want to seek the counsel of his Holiness Mike Velarde, who could advise him in impeccable English: "Strong your heart, for in the long of time, you will success!"

Gordon for President

2010-03-25T21:33:00.006+08:00

Billy posted this on Facebook and it caught my fancy enough for me to want to share it to the world.

Gah, our politicians would do anything, even look silly, just to gain votes!

But it's cute, isn't it? I might just vote for him because of this-- IF I'm a voter, that is ^^ Thankfully I'm not, so my unfounded liking won't have much impact on the world.

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Hmn... Gordon should stop smiling, it's spoiling the effect. He should strive to look more serious... Oi Dick, redo!

2010 Presidentiables' TV Ads

2010-03-25T21:08:00.005+08:00

Strangely enough, I couldn't find any television advertisements for Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor "Nicky" Perlas, and John Carlos "JC" de los Reyes. It's either their teams haven't uploaded to YouTube, they don't have the budget for costly TV commercials (highly unlikely for Jamby's case), or they think it's too frivolous and a waste of precious money that could be put to better use for our country.

And no, the order by which these videos were posted doesn't indicate any preference for any candidate. Just because Villar is first doesn't mean that's how I rank him. I just happened to find his ad first.

Billy Brings Back a Lot of Warm and Fuzzy Memories

2010-03-15T23:02:00.002+08:00

Just click on the picture to get it bigger. I missed these kinds of conversations!

A Memory

2010-03-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

I was listening to the radio this afternoon and I heard this song. It brought back a memory of somebody who used to be a very important part of my life. Although some may associate this song with American high school romances commonly found in teen flicks, for me, this song is all about finding kindred spirits and acceptance. Hay, I miss that person so much. I wish we could all go back to that time when our biggest problems were the meagerness of our allowance and the strictness of our parents, and we could spend a whole day talking about dreams and whatnot and not worry about all the other million things we need to take care of.

To you, wherever you are, I hope you are well. You would always have a special place in my heart.